Saturday, May 8, 2010

Let Down 2010

God, I'm disappointed!! Maybe I was setting myself up for it but I can't help it. I always give people too much credit, even before I know who they are, and even when I do know who they are. I mean I haven't seen or spoken to K's dad since I was 15 years old, so really, what was I expecting? Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me fill you in...

I got his phone # a few days ago from his brother, whom I found on Facebook. I have and do feel in my heart, that the right thing to do is to tell him about K and let him know she's out there, she exists! One day, maybe she will want to know him. So last night, I just said screw it! I'm calling! I hadn't decided how much I was going to tell him because I was going in kind of blind, I just knew I was going to tell him that I had her, she was given up for adoption & I felt destroyed ever since. Okay, so that was the so-called plan. But then he picked up the phone...

Uhm, I think I can say with all certainty, he's a tweaker!!! Noooo!! Please say it ain't so! I've done drugs in my day & when we were all hanging out together, that's what we did. Drank, tried whatever was around and hung out till the sun came up, but apparently after I left he got into some hard, hardcore shit. He told me he wasn't doing it (and by it, I mean meth/ice) anymore but, I think that's an addict telling me he's not doing it anymore. Pretty sure it wasn't a beer buzz he had! I'm SO disappointed!!!

Literally, I said maybe 10 words in this hour long conversation. Although the word conversation would imply that two people were talking to each other. He was talking AT me most of the time. There was no calm. There was no sincerity. It was just chaotic or something. I can't explain it, all I know is I didn't feel safe telling him because it wouldn't have been received, you know what I mean? This is HUGE information!! I felt like he was in another world. I guess I just expected him to be "normal-ish" & that was not the case...So the 10 words I said didn't have anything to do with anything. How could they? He told me he's never had any kids, and that I was always the "special one". What do I do with that information? Maybe nothing, but part of me feels like, maybe if I told him it could change his life as much as mine has been changed since K contacted me. But then I think...he's not me & I can't be responsible for changing his life, can I? Of course I can't. I can't believe I just had that thought!

I cried so much last night. I felt devastated when I got off the phone. It was a huge build up to call him too. I was so incredibly nervous. SO NERVOUS!! Then, there was that. I was left with that; this addict or freak or just lost soul. He sent me a text afterward and said he was sorry he talked so much, he was just nervous and buzzed. I guess so dude! I'm also left with the fact that he still doesn't know. I'm not sure if I should call him another day or send him an email or what. I have no answers at the moment. All I do know, is that I would never in a million years, let this beautiful girl, my beautiful daughter, ever know that person. She is everything that is good and right in this world and I knew when I heard his voice that she couldn't be a part of that. But he still doesn't know about his daughter, and I of course feel some guilt lingering. I always take on the guilt. But I shouldn't this time, should I? Do you guys have any answers? I'm sort of at a loss today.



  1. 'kay, please delete my other comment if it shows up! Boy, your blog really doesn't like WirdPress. Anyhoo, just wanted to say that it's like your daughter and your ex are like the yin and yang of returning to the past. Amazing how two people so significant to you and to each other can turn out to be so different. I googled my ex recently and found a video of him that made me feel I'd been trapped in a time machine. It's never a good thing either if people seem exactly the same and haven't moved on in any way.

    Your blog is quite unique in its tone. Enjoy reading it very much.

  2. hi jessica! no, your other comment didn't come thru. you're so right about the ying and yang. it's pretty crazy and surreal and magical all at the same time! i agree also, if people haven't evolved from what they were that can be a definite cause for concern.
    i'm so glad you like my blog! that means soooo much to me, really.

  3. Hi Jennifer. It's been amazing reading about your experiences the last 2.5 months. Again, I'm so happy to hear about your daughter, but I'm sorry to hear about your mother and about this conversation.

    Since you asked for "our" opinion, I'll say this: I think your instinct was right to not tell your ex, in that conversation/state of mind, about his having a child in this world. It would be hard to predict what he'd do with that information, or if it would have even been absorbed or remembered in the first place. But I do think your desire to tell him in general is the right thing to do. I think your daughter will one day want to speak to him at the very least, and like you said, the day she reaches out to him he should at least know about her, right? That said, how do you tell him? When's the right time? How do you protect her from some of the not-as-nice things in life? Hard questions for sure.

    Sorry if this didn't really answer anything! :)

  4. Hi Leigh! You comment totally helps! I like hearing what your take is on it. I really think I did the right thing too. So maybe it wasn't the right time to tell him, but I did reach out and that was huge! I'm proud of myself for trying. We'll just have to take this one, one day at a time. Thank you for your kind words!! :)