More Progress

I really can't believe how much has happened in the last 5 months!! 5 MONTHS!! For over 15 years I lived with this suffocating secret. This huge cross I dragged behind me everywhere I went. With every breath I took (or reminded myself to take), I inhaled more shame, more sadness. The thought of telling someone about, well, about me and my story, sent me into a severe panic attack and now...

Yesterday I talked to two of my friends that I literally lived with when I was 15. They actually introduced me and K's dad back in the day and we were like sisters...but then I left and detached from all of them. I couldn't deal with still having them in my life after what happened when K was born...I couldn't tell them or anyone for that matter. So needless to say, until yesterday neither of them knew I had this beautiful daughter. Since finding them on Facebook last year, we'd talk every now and then but I was still a little closed off...duh :) But I love those girls and I wanted to share this with them...so I did! WOW!! I can't believe this is me doing these things...talking, sharing and doing it without severe anxiety?!!?!?! What?? They were so blown away and SO supportive! They told me I was their family and they loved me & wish they could've been there for me. They couldn't believe how gorgeous K is and they are so excited for us!! I never knew how liberating living "your truth" could truly be. It's remarkable & I'm just learning how remarkable it really is.

In the last 5 months...I repeat...5...months, the following has happened: (eh-hem)

• My daughter wrote to me & we began emailing each other
• I told my best friend (who happens to be adopted herself!!!)
• I told my brother (he never knew)
• I confronted my parents & talked for the first time about my pain
• I told my In-laws
• I told her birth dad!!
• I told friends that I never thought I'd tell
• I MET MY DAUGHTER!!!!!
• I went to Disneyland with HER!!
• I met her family & her friends!!
• I don't feel ashamed to be ME..along with a truckload of other emotions I've never felt or allowed myself to feel before...

Progress...pure progress. I'm truly amazed.

xoxo

A New Light, A New Friend

My friend Lisa (who I consider family, not just a friend) found a new light on Sunday around 3:00. She will never be the same and I mean that in the best possible way, and she will forever remember that day. The day she met her Birthmother!!! She has a new light around her now! It's like this glow. She told me that a feeling of peace came over her that day and it's like something she'd never experienced before and like nothing she ever knew was possible. She is still in a state of complete awe!

It's so crazy to think that we've been friends for about 8 years and we're just now really getting to know each other! I mean, we knew each other before, like I knew her true personality and I knew what she liked and didn't like, we made each other laugh all the time...all that stuff but I didn't know her big fears, nor did she know mine. We were both guarded and felt naturally comfortable together because we both knew not to be too nosey or pry into each other's lives and it was like an unspoken respect to not "go there". But once K wrote to me, there was no way I could hold back my "secret" any longer. I just had to tell Lisa & I had wanted to for so long, but was always so scared it may change our friendship somehow. And you know what? It did, but only in the most amazing way!! We're more close now than we ever have been and we are so incredibly supportive of each other! Duh-that's what real friends do!! I never knew that because I'd always been too scared before. Anything deeper than the surface was too scary!

Once I told her my story just about 2 months ago, she was inspired to reach out to her B-Mom again. They had found each other about 10 years prior but lost touch over time and had only emailed and spoken on the phone once, never met. So fast-forward to present day and they met a few days ago, at a restaurant, not far from where they live! Lisa is now 40 yrs. old and has a whole new outlook on life, a new light, a new gift, a new friend in me, and a new love...her Birth Mom!! I am so happy for her & I'm so thankful that I'm able to share (with every part of me) this moment with her. We were meant to be friends and to both have such amazing stories of adoption, is just unbelievable! Who knew when we met, we would be where we are. Life just keeps on taking my breath away!

Let the light shine on!

xoxo
jennifer