The burden of guilt

Guilt is something that I have struggled with since I was a teenager. I carried it with me for SO long and it affected every part of who I was, who I became, how I thought of myself and ultimately, how I thought others perceived me. I'd already condemned myself long before others had the chance to. To me, time doesn't heal all wounds. Especially the wound that us B-Mom's carry. I think our pain is unlike any other. Not to take away the pain that others experience in life, but our wound is so primal. Time (for me) just made my pain more intense. Every year I thought about Her more and more. Every day I thought about my choices, mistakes and those of my parents, and my "what if" thought process was paralyzing. Was paralyzing.

Since K wrote to me, the guilt that was my best friend has almost completely vanished. I don't think my heart will ever be completely whole again, just because I will always miss her (you probably know what I mean), but I will not live with the suffocating guilt that was smothering me for the last 15 years. To know she is happy, safe & loved is something that I will be forever grateful for. The not knowing, combined with my own shame was killing me slowly every single day! I know for a fact that if she hadn't written to me, I'd still be in that same place. That place was so god-awful! I know how blessed I am now. I couldn't see it before & it may be hard for you to see right now too but, (and I used to hate it when people said stuff like this) if I can forgive myself and see the light at the end of the tunnel as sunlight, and not a train coming at me, you can too!! I think I hated hearing people say "...you can too" because I didn't believe it. They didn't understand what I'd been through. But I get it now!! Maybe the last 15 years have been like a training process for me to be able to help others! I've never been as excited about the future as I am right now!! I think I really can use my past as a tool for my future, not as a torture device (on myself!).

Feeling guilty is like being locked in an invisible prison cell. Guilt robs you of the ability to believe you are worthy of success in life, and you are never truly free as long as you carry its burden... Guilt is rooted in fear.

That excerpt is from something I was reading this morning & it just made me realize how truly powerful guilt is. Throw in some shame and you've got a perfect combo for a life unfulfilled and a life of undiscovered potential. Well, guess what? I'm done with prison & I am over the fear that I've allowed to hold me back from this life. I'm breaking free from myself and my past so that I can embrace everything that today holds and everything the future will bring.

xoxo

Am I an asshole?

Okay, I just had a thought. I turned on the TV & there was an infomercial that featured a guy, who's apparently some successful real estate person, talking about how successful & cool he is. I thought for a second, what if that had been K's dad? Theoretically, I mean. What if I would have called him and he had been some outwardly normal person, who had a great job and who wasn't on crack (or meth, sorry) & hadn't talked the entire F'g time we were on the phone? How would that have made me feel vs. how the person I did talk to made me feel? I felt so disappointed after talking to him and a little heartbroken because he's currently a freak but part of my "thought" was this; I think it made me feel a little bit better about myself to know he wasn't some successful, do-gooder, husband, with a wife & kids. I feel like such an asshole for even thinking it! It's just the lingering loser inside me that wants to feel better by comparing myself to him; someone who's obviously not all there. Who's to say I am? But really, he literally talked the entire time!

I really do hope that we can be friends one day or at least have an understanding. I want him to know about K one day, I truly do, so I hope he finds his way. I hope I find my way too. Just because I'm not a tweeker doesn't mean I'm taking advantage all of what life has to offer. I know I have no excuses left personally. If I don't accomplish the things in my life that I've always made excuses not to do, I have no one to blame but myself. The girl I use to be is always trying to tell me I'm not good enough & I'm so sick of all the self-doubt!

So I need to have a plan! I don't think I've ever had a plan and stuck with it. Ever! God that's crazy but there's no time like the present. I refuse to have a 40th birthday (one day) and look back on my 30's regretting as much as I did in my 20's. F THAT!! It's on!!!!

Just to end this eve on a positive note...I don't think I'm an asshole. It was however, an asshole thought, but it has since passed. I want him to be the best person he can be in his life, for her & for himself. That's the truth.

xoxo