So it's been a few weeks since my last post. Time has just gotten away from me and I've been going through such a roller coaster of emotion but nothing like I'll experience tomorrow. She will be here! My beautiful K will be in the city where I live and I'm picking her up! OMG! OMG! OMG! There are no words that can describe what will come over me when I see her for the first time. I promise I won't wait long to post what this incredible experience will be like. This is something I've dreamed of for so long. I've wondered so many times if it would ever happen and here we are. The day is here! I'm in awe of it all...
...including the conversation I had yesterday. Part of my emotional roller coaster the last few weeks has been (still) that K's dad doesn't know. I feel like I've made such huge strides with all of this since Feb. but the fact that he was still a missing piece of this huge secretive puzzle that has been my life, just wasn't sitting well with me. It's been like an overwhelming weight that he and I were in touch and I didn't check "telling him" off my list. The last conversation we had was weird and awkward and he was obviously drinking or something but I thought, let me give this one more shot. So I did, yesterday. His voice was different and sounded normal or alert. Sober I think they call it. We made idle chat for a few and then...I told him. I told him that I was pregnant when I moved and that by the time my parents found out I was having Her and they called an adoption agency. I didn't tell him we've been in touch. I needed him to absorb what I just told him, plus I didn't feel totally safe telling him, "Hey, we had a baby you know nothing about & she's coming to visit me this weekend. So what are you up to?" I just needed him to know that she's out there. She exists and she may, one day, want to know him. He took it surprisingly well! Thank you God, was all I kept saying. He said he was sorry I had to go through that and that he wasn't mad at me and that he cared about me. He wants to know if she ever tries to find us and he would be so excited to have her as part of his family. I'm so taken aback by this! I'm blown the F away!! I buckled when I got off the phone and just said thank you a million times. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
But then he texted me later that night. Oh how our minds start to fuck us when we dwell. He wants to find her. He thinks legally he was screwed over (I'm paraphrasing). I didn't tell them (my parents or the agency) I knew who the dad was so there was no effort on their part to find him, at all. I was a minor and my parents had to sign the paperwork and so did I. Legally he wasn't a part of it. If that's anyone's fault it's mine. I assumed he was drinking when he sent me this text so I just tried to diffuse it and will attempt to clarify how much he would upset her life at this point if he tried to get involved. When she's 18 she can find us and we can find her...not now. Good idea I didn't tell him we've been in touch??? Ye or Nay? I'm thinking Ye.
Most importantly, no matter what happens, I am so thankful to have this opportunity to know my daughter. I can't believe that I have closed the circle of secrets. There are no more. It was my greatest fear, that is telling people my secret & now everyone who this could have directly affected knows. I actually faced my fears! I can't believe it! I never have done that before in my life. Amazing!
xoxo
Jen
Showing posts with label secrets. Show all posts
Showing posts with label secrets. Show all posts
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Let Down 2010
God, I'm disappointed!! Maybe I was setting myself up for it but I can't help it. I always give people too much credit, even before I know who they are, and even when I do know who they are. I mean I haven't seen or spoken to K's dad since I was 15 years old, so really, what was I expecting? Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me fill you in...
I got his phone # a few days ago from his brother, whom I found on Facebook. I have and do feel in my heart, that the right thing to do is to tell him about K and let him know she's out there, she exists! One day, maybe she will want to know him. So last night, I just said screw it! I'm calling! I hadn't decided how much I was going to tell him because I was going in kind of blind, I just knew I was going to tell him that I had her, she was given up for adoption & I felt destroyed ever since. Okay, so that was the so-called plan. But then he picked up the phone...
Uhm, I think I can say with all certainty, he's a tweaker!!! Noooo!! Please say it ain't so! I've done drugs in my day & when we were all hanging out together, that's what we did. Drank, tried whatever was around and hung out till the sun came up, but apparently after I left he got into some hard, hardcore shit. He told me he wasn't doing it (and by it, I mean meth/ice) anymore but, I think that's an addict telling me he's not doing it anymore. Pretty sure it wasn't a beer buzz he had! I'm SO disappointed!!!
Literally, I said maybe 10 words in this hour long conversation. Although the word conversation would imply that two people were talking to each other. He was talking AT me most of the time. There was no calm. There was no sincerity. It was just chaotic or something. I can't explain it, all I know is I didn't feel safe telling him because it wouldn't have been received, you know what I mean? This is HUGE information!! I felt like he was in another world. I guess I just expected him to be "normal-ish" & that was not the case...So the 10 words I said didn't have anything to do with anything. How could they? He told me he's never had any kids, and that I was always the "special one". What do I do with that information? Maybe nothing, but part of me feels like, maybe if I told him it could change his life as much as mine has been changed since K contacted me. But then I think...he's not me & I can't be responsible for changing his life, can I? Of course I can't. I can't believe I just had that thought!
I cried so much last night. I felt devastated when I got off the phone. It was a huge build up to call him too. I was so incredibly nervous. SO NERVOUS!! Then, there was that. I was left with that; this addict or freak or just lost soul. He sent me a text afterward and said he was sorry he talked so much, he was just nervous and buzzed. I guess so dude! I'm also left with the fact that he still doesn't know. I'm not sure if I should call him another day or send him an email or what. I have no answers at the moment. All I do know, is that I would never in a million years, let this beautiful girl, my beautiful daughter, ever know that person. She is everything that is good and right in this world and I knew when I heard his voice that she couldn't be a part of that. But he still doesn't know about his daughter, and I of course feel some guilt lingering. I always take on the guilt. But I shouldn't this time, should I? Do you guys have any answers? I'm sort of at a loss today.
xoxo
I got his phone # a few days ago from his brother, whom I found on Facebook. I have and do feel in my heart, that the right thing to do is to tell him about K and let him know she's out there, she exists! One day, maybe she will want to know him. So last night, I just said screw it! I'm calling! I hadn't decided how much I was going to tell him because I was going in kind of blind, I just knew I was going to tell him that I had her, she was given up for adoption & I felt destroyed ever since. Okay, so that was the so-called plan. But then he picked up the phone...
Uhm, I think I can say with all certainty, he's a tweaker!!! Noooo!! Please say it ain't so! I've done drugs in my day & when we were all hanging out together, that's what we did. Drank, tried whatever was around and hung out till the sun came up, but apparently after I left he got into some hard, hardcore shit. He told me he wasn't doing it (and by it, I mean meth/ice) anymore but, I think that's an addict telling me he's not doing it anymore. Pretty sure it wasn't a beer buzz he had! I'm SO disappointed!!!
Literally, I said maybe 10 words in this hour long conversation. Although the word conversation would imply that two people were talking to each other. He was talking AT me most of the time. There was no calm. There was no sincerity. It was just chaotic or something. I can't explain it, all I know is I didn't feel safe telling him because it wouldn't have been received, you know what I mean? This is HUGE information!! I felt like he was in another world. I guess I just expected him to be "normal-ish" & that was not the case...So the 10 words I said didn't have anything to do with anything. How could they? He told me he's never had any kids, and that I was always the "special one". What do I do with that information? Maybe nothing, but part of me feels like, maybe if I told him it could change his life as much as mine has been changed since K contacted me. But then I think...he's not me & I can't be responsible for changing his life, can I? Of course I can't. I can't believe I just had that thought!
I cried so much last night. I felt devastated when I got off the phone. It was a huge build up to call him too. I was so incredibly nervous. SO NERVOUS!! Then, there was that. I was left with that; this addict or freak or just lost soul. He sent me a text afterward and said he was sorry he talked so much, he was just nervous and buzzed. I guess so dude! I'm also left with the fact that he still doesn't know. I'm not sure if I should call him another day or send him an email or what. I have no answers at the moment. All I do know, is that I would never in a million years, let this beautiful girl, my beautiful daughter, ever know that person. She is everything that is good and right in this world and I knew when I heard his voice that she couldn't be a part of that. But he still doesn't know about his daughter, and I of course feel some guilt lingering. I always take on the guilt. But I shouldn't this time, should I? Do you guys have any answers? I'm sort of at a loss today.
xoxo
Friday, May 7, 2010
The Domino Effect
I would have never believed that this would be happening. This whole, living your truth business. My mind has been officially blown. The more I think about what has taken place, the more I just sit back in complete amazement.
With one letter, my life changed. Before I got K's letter I was existing, but not living. I was loved, but unable to truly accept it. I would smile, but the pain was always smiling back. Then I got a letter. This letter that told me, it's okay, and I love you. It told me that there is no secret & there is no shame. K was safe, healthy, and happy! Happy! She was raised by a wonderful, nurturing family and she thanked me for giving her to them. When I saw her pictures, the light that is inside her was undeniable. Was part of that light me? This is light, not darkness. This is love, not hate. Is this really happening? It was really happening. It is really happening! In that moment, I knew this beautiful person that grew inside me, wasn't meant to be a secret and there was no room for pain and guilt, because she is love. She radiates love. She isn't a passing thought, or a horrible memory. She is my Angel. She saved me.
So as the days passed since receiving her letter, I've made a TON of progress. It's so funny how life plays out sometimes. Months before getting it, I'd been falling into a deeper depression and had been on anti-depressants for probably about 6 years. They really only helped me balance, they definitely weren't healing anything. Just a band-aid on a gunshot wound, but about 6 months prior to getting her letter, I wanted to ween myself off my anti's because I felt like they weren't doing shit! I was becoming so much more depressed than I had ever been before. Not just depressed, I was longing and desperate to heal and find my way out of this dark place. I had no idea how that was going to happen, I just knew my heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest. The anti's at this point felt like they were just numbing me and I had to break free! I knew what my sorrow stemmed from & it wasn't all chemical imbalances & a family history, it was a broken heart and guilt for fuck's sake. As I got on the lowest dose of happy pills I just started to have even more intense feelings about everything, yet felt compelled to do something about it! So I started going back to therapy. I puked everything out in our first session & knew I had to continue this for me. I had to begin to heal or I would be stuck forever. One week later, I got K's letter.
These are the things that have happened since that day, 2.5 months ago:
So by one girl, writing one letter, to one person...I'm seeing lives transformed in front of my eyes. It's like an out of body experience, or as close to one as I can imagine. The residual effects of receiving her letter are unbelievable. They're magical.
xoxo
With one letter, my life changed. Before I got K's letter I was existing, but not living. I was loved, but unable to truly accept it. I would smile, but the pain was always smiling back. Then I got a letter. This letter that told me, it's okay, and I love you. It told me that there is no secret & there is no shame. K was safe, healthy, and happy! Happy! She was raised by a wonderful, nurturing family and she thanked me for giving her to them. When I saw her pictures, the light that is inside her was undeniable. Was part of that light me? This is light, not darkness. This is love, not hate. Is this really happening? It was really happening. It is really happening! In that moment, I knew this beautiful person that grew inside me, wasn't meant to be a secret and there was no room for pain and guilt, because she is love. She radiates love. She isn't a passing thought, or a horrible memory. She is my Angel. She saved me.
So as the days passed since receiving her letter, I've made a TON of progress. It's so funny how life plays out sometimes. Months before getting it, I'd been falling into a deeper depression and had been on anti-depressants for probably about 6 years. They really only helped me balance, they definitely weren't healing anything. Just a band-aid on a gunshot wound, but about 6 months prior to getting her letter, I wanted to ween myself off my anti's because I felt like they weren't doing shit! I was becoming so much more depressed than I had ever been before. Not just depressed, I was longing and desperate to heal and find my way out of this dark place. I had no idea how that was going to happen, I just knew my heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest. The anti's at this point felt like they were just numbing me and I had to break free! I knew what my sorrow stemmed from & it wasn't all chemical imbalances & a family history, it was a broken heart and guilt for fuck's sake. As I got on the lowest dose of happy pills I just started to have even more intense feelings about everything, yet felt compelled to do something about it! So I started going back to therapy. I puked everything out in our first session & knew I had to continue this for me. I had to begin to heal or I would be stuck forever. One week later, I got K's letter.
These are the things that have happened since that day, 2.5 months ago:
- K & I email each other almost every night!!
- I told my amazing friend Lisa, of 8 years, who's adopted herself...One of the reasons I felt so scared to tell her. I really thought she would think I was horrible! We're closer than ever now!
- I told my brother! He never knew. My parents made me keep it a secret between the 3 of us. He's been SO supportive and amazing. He is behind me 100%!
- I told my In-Law's! They have embraced me more than they had before and I thought that was a lot! My MIL told everyone at work about my story (she's a talker!) and she's so proud of me!
- I had a conversation w/ my dad for the first time EVER about what happened and told him how I felt so alone and confused. I needed them and I was lost back then. That was one of the most healing conversations I've had.
- My mom and I had a terrible blow-out and it was God awful but made me realize that I am strong and it's not all my fault. She has suffocating guilt and shame that I cannot be responsible for any longer!
- I met K's mom and she is the most beautiful human being I've ever met, inside and out, emotionally and spiritually...amazing. One of the best days of my entire life.
- I have K's dad's # and I'm tyring to build up the courage to talk to him soon, about all of it. He deserves to know I think. I deserve to not have anything be a secret & that was always part of it.K deserves to know that if she wants to ever talk or see her father in the future, that he knows about her already (and there is no secret!). I hate that word now!!!
So by one girl, writing one letter, to one person...I'm seeing lives transformed in front of my eyes. It's like an out of body experience, or as close to one as I can imagine. The residual effects of receiving her letter are unbelievable. They're magical.
xoxo
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
The Greatest Gift
"Out of my greatest despair, was to come the greatest gift."
That quote captures everything I could ever say about my journey in this life, thus far. It's in the first paragraph of the book The Secret (which I LOVE). Yes, it's new-agey and even if that's not your thing, I think you will be able to appreciate the point of the book, which is, you have to be thankful for what you have everyday & that what you put out there (your energy, your attitude, your thoughts, your dreams) can & will become your reality, good or bad. I think that holds true no matter what you believe in.
Until recently, I hated myself and was falling deeper into a depression. I tried really hard not to let go completely but my heart was hanging on my a string. Some days were better than others but my mind was my own worst enemy. Not that anyone else would have known. On the outside I was happy-go lucky, friendly, warm, kinda funny :) and didn't seem like a person who had "problems". But I couldn't forgive myself for my past. I just couldn't! I felt like a horrible person who had ruined my life & worst than that, someone else's. In between all the noise in my head, I met this amazing man, who became my husband but even then I didn't think I deserved him. He loved me so much & always knew how to make me laugh. He saved me from myself, but couldn't save me from a broken heart. Only I knew what it would take to start gluing that thing back together. And it was being free from this secret. I knew my secret was strangling me.
My hubby was the only person who knew about the adoption & that was the secret I kept until I met him when I was 24. I had never told a friend because I didn't have any (on purpose). I'd never told my brother because my parents said no one was to know. I never had therapy (until I was 25) because you were weak if you needed a shrink. So my secret became my sickness. Actually, that's part of AA. They say Our secrets make us sick. And nothing could be more true. Every insecurity, every day filled with sadness, every racing heartbeat, every stretch mark I saw on my body, was my secret eating me alive. I never knew that my greatest despair would become the greatest gift. But that truly happened.
In the last 2.5 months, I have told my 2 best friends, my brother, my in-laws, and I have talked to my father & my mother about the "secret". My brother was AMAZING! He told me how proud he was of me and how excited he was for K and I. My friends have been an unbelievable support!! They love me more than ever! Oh & my in-laws. God, they are amazing people. They are by my side 100%! My dad cried and told me how sorry he was for not being there for me and how much he has regretted the decisions that were made back then. I never knew that. He had never spoken to me about it...ever. My mom, unfortunately, didn't have any words of love or healing for me. She blamed me for all of it. Everything. She broke my heart a little more that day when we spoke, but only because I still love her, not because I think she's right in any way. I was a kid. I was lost and alone and confused. She was broken and unable to save me. So every time I think about what I missed out on with not having K, I think of what she and I would have had to both endure if she would have stayed with me. It wouldn't have been the loving, nurturing, healthy family she's had over the last 15 years.
Without a doubt, out of my greatest despair has come the greatest gift. Not just one gift, but many. The day I opened K's letter, just a few months ago, life changed. I received the gift of love. Not just any love, but HER love. I have the gift of peace, knowing she is safe, loved, healthy, and has had an amazing life! I have the gift of her parents accepting me and letting us have a relationship! I gained a new family!! The gift of forgiveness. Everyday, I'm healing a little more & learning to love myself and realize that I'm a good person who deserves great things. The gift of friendship. I can finally talk about my true self to the people who I love & they love me back! The gift of strength. I never realized how strong I was until recently! I always thought of myself as weak. Then there is the gift of truth. Secrets are so damaging!! No matter what they are, they will eat you alive. My secret literally affected everything I felt, everything I thought, and everything I was.
The day I saw her pictures, the day I read her letter, I knew this was something I was not willing to keep to myself. It was too beautiful, too pure and too true. No more secrets. No more fear. Just love <3
xoxo
That quote captures everything I could ever say about my journey in this life, thus far. It's in the first paragraph of the book The Secret (which I LOVE). Yes, it's new-agey and even if that's not your thing, I think you will be able to appreciate the point of the book, which is, you have to be thankful for what you have everyday & that what you put out there (your energy, your attitude, your thoughts, your dreams) can & will become your reality, good or bad. I think that holds true no matter what you believe in.
Until recently, I hated myself and was falling deeper into a depression. I tried really hard not to let go completely but my heart was hanging on my a string. Some days were better than others but my mind was my own worst enemy. Not that anyone else would have known. On the outside I was happy-go lucky, friendly, warm, kinda funny :) and didn't seem like a person who had "problems". But I couldn't forgive myself for my past. I just couldn't! I felt like a horrible person who had ruined my life & worst than that, someone else's. In between all the noise in my head, I met this amazing man, who became my husband but even then I didn't think I deserved him. He loved me so much & always knew how to make me laugh. He saved me from myself, but couldn't save me from a broken heart. Only I knew what it would take to start gluing that thing back together. And it was being free from this secret. I knew my secret was strangling me.
My hubby was the only person who knew about the adoption & that was the secret I kept until I met him when I was 24. I had never told a friend because I didn't have any (on purpose). I'd never told my brother because my parents said no one was to know. I never had therapy (until I was 25) because you were weak if you needed a shrink. So my secret became my sickness. Actually, that's part of AA. They say Our secrets make us sick. And nothing could be more true. Every insecurity, every day filled with sadness, every racing heartbeat, every stretch mark I saw on my body, was my secret eating me alive. I never knew that my greatest despair would become the greatest gift. But that truly happened.
In the last 2.5 months, I have told my 2 best friends, my brother, my in-laws, and I have talked to my father & my mother about the "secret". My brother was AMAZING! He told me how proud he was of me and how excited he was for K and I. My friends have been an unbelievable support!! They love me more than ever! Oh & my in-laws. God, they are amazing people. They are by my side 100%! My dad cried and told me how sorry he was for not being there for me and how much he has regretted the decisions that were made back then. I never knew that. He had never spoken to me about it...ever. My mom, unfortunately, didn't have any words of love or healing for me. She blamed me for all of it. Everything. She broke my heart a little more that day when we spoke, but only because I still love her, not because I think she's right in any way. I was a kid. I was lost and alone and confused. She was broken and unable to save me. So every time I think about what I missed out on with not having K, I think of what she and I would have had to both endure if she would have stayed with me. It wouldn't have been the loving, nurturing, healthy family she's had over the last 15 years.
Without a doubt, out of my greatest despair has come the greatest gift. Not just one gift, but many. The day I opened K's letter, just a few months ago, life changed. I received the gift of love. Not just any love, but HER love. I have the gift of peace, knowing she is safe, loved, healthy, and has had an amazing life! I have the gift of her parents accepting me and letting us have a relationship! I gained a new family!! The gift of forgiveness. Everyday, I'm healing a little more & learning to love myself and realize that I'm a good person who deserves great things. The gift of friendship. I can finally talk about my true self to the people who I love & they love me back! The gift of strength. I never realized how strong I was until recently! I always thought of myself as weak. Then there is the gift of truth. Secrets are so damaging!! No matter what they are, they will eat you alive. My secret literally affected everything I felt, everything I thought, and everything I was.
The day I saw her pictures, the day I read her letter, I knew this was something I was not willing to keep to myself. It was too beautiful, too pure and too true. No more secrets. No more fear. Just love <3
xoxo
Friday, April 30, 2010
Short version
Okay. How should I put this? There is so much to tell, I don't really know where to begin. But how about a short, condensed version (cuz long posts just blow).
I got pregnant when I was 15. When I was 10th grade I lived at a totally lax and overpriced boarding school with ZERO supervision. I was doing things you probably haven't done in a really long time (me either actually). I got pregnant, by my then boyfriend, who was equally unsupervised. Except my parents lived 3000 miles away from me. When the parentals wanted me to come home after 10th grade I was heartbroken and scared. I was leaving everything I ever knew there, to go back to a strange place I'd never been, with people I didn't know (that would include my parents).
I shut down. I disconnected. I was blank. I hid my pregnancy from my parents. I was scared. Lost. I wanted to die. Instead, I just shut my eyes really tightly and hoped someone would notice me. They didn't. I broke down the morning I went into labor and told my dad I had to go to the hospital. I had my baby within a few hours. At a hospital. In a room. By myself. No support. No love or moments of clarity from them. Just anger & more abandonment. They never saw me; before, during, or after. And I never got to see Her. The only person who came to see me that day was the social worker. Not a psychiatrist or a counselor. The social worker. That social worker just happened to be with the adoption agency, affiliated with the hospital. Interesting? Sure is.
So before I knew what had happened, She was gone. Adopted by a family. A real one. My "family" went back to denial & never talked about it. Ever. My mom & I cried once together, but no words. No help. Nothing. We told no one. My brother, who was in the military, was to never know. No one. It was my fault and my secret. They thought I was smarter than that. I was damaged goods. So that's what I thought for the next 15 years. You. Are. Damaged (and deserve to be abused, used, depressed, anxious, ashamed, scared, guilty. Nothing less, nothing more). But you know what? Through the pain, She was always with me. Always.
And here we are. I got a letter almost 2.5 months ago. Life-changing-moment!!! She's 15. She's beautiful. She loves ME!!! I can't believe it!! I have never felt this feeling. It's indescribable. It's amazing. It's unlike any feeling I've ever had in my entire life. If you could take all the beautiful, happy moments in my life and combine them (there are a few scattered about), they might come in a close 2nd behind whatever this is. It takes my breath away. We email each other almost every night. There are pictures and I love yous and I miss yous and a lot of <3<3<3<3<3...It's a dream. A living breathing dream. It's the other half of me.
I never knew people like her parents existed. They have given her their blessing to get to know me & to love me. I'm forever grateful to them. And I can tell her mom that on Sunday, in person. She emailed me and we're meeting!! She wants us to get to know each other before, well, before I meet Her. My daughter. No words I could type, can express this feeling. None.
I know. This is a long post! And there's more. There's a lot more but you have some major cliff notes. I swear it's a lot for me to take in!! It's unreal! Life-altering! And for the first time, not in the negative sense. My heart feels like it's going to burst.
To be continued when I can catch my breath.
xoxo
I got pregnant when I was 15. When I was 10th grade I lived at a totally lax and overpriced boarding school with ZERO supervision. I was doing things you probably haven't done in a really long time (me either actually). I got pregnant, by my then boyfriend, who was equally unsupervised. Except my parents lived 3000 miles away from me. When the parentals wanted me to come home after 10th grade I was heartbroken and scared. I was leaving everything I ever knew there, to go back to a strange place I'd never been, with people I didn't know (that would include my parents).
I shut down. I disconnected. I was blank. I hid my pregnancy from my parents. I was scared. Lost. I wanted to die. Instead, I just shut my eyes really tightly and hoped someone would notice me. They didn't. I broke down the morning I went into labor and told my dad I had to go to the hospital. I had my baby within a few hours. At a hospital. In a room. By myself. No support. No love or moments of clarity from them. Just anger & more abandonment. They never saw me; before, during, or after. And I never got to see Her. The only person who came to see me that day was the social worker. Not a psychiatrist or a counselor. The social worker. That social worker just happened to be with the adoption agency, affiliated with the hospital. Interesting? Sure is.
So before I knew what had happened, She was gone. Adopted by a family. A real one. My "family" went back to denial & never talked about it. Ever. My mom & I cried once together, but no words. No help. Nothing. We told no one. My brother, who was in the military, was to never know. No one. It was my fault and my secret. They thought I was smarter than that. I was damaged goods. So that's what I thought for the next 15 years. You. Are. Damaged (and deserve to be abused, used, depressed, anxious, ashamed, scared, guilty. Nothing less, nothing more). But you know what? Through the pain, She was always with me. Always.
And here we are. I got a letter almost 2.5 months ago. Life-changing-moment!!! She's 15. She's beautiful. She loves ME!!! I can't believe it!! I have never felt this feeling. It's indescribable. It's amazing. It's unlike any feeling I've ever had in my entire life. If you could take all the beautiful, happy moments in my life and combine them (there are a few scattered about), they might come in a close 2nd behind whatever this is. It takes my breath away. We email each other almost every night. There are pictures and I love yous and I miss yous and a lot of <3<3<3<3<3...It's a dream. A living breathing dream. It's the other half of me.
I never knew people like her parents existed. They have given her their blessing to get to know me & to love me. I'm forever grateful to them. And I can tell her mom that on Sunday, in person. She emailed me and we're meeting!! She wants us to get to know each other before, well, before I meet Her. My daughter. No words I could type, can express this feeling. None.
I know. This is a long post! And there's more. There's a lot more but you have some major cliff notes. I swear it's a lot for me to take in!! It's unreal! Life-altering! And for the first time, not in the negative sense. My heart feels like it's going to burst.
To be continued when I can catch my breath.
xoxo
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