Thursday, June 24, 2010

Big News!

So it's been a few weeks since my last post. Time has just gotten away from me and I've been going through such a roller coaster of emotion but nothing like I'll experience tomorrow. She will be here! My beautiful K will be in the city where I live and I'm picking her up! OMG! OMG! OMG! There are no words that can describe what will come over me when I see her for the first time. I promise I won't wait long to post what this incredible experience will be like. This is something I've dreamed of for so long. I've wondered so many times if it would ever happen and here we are. The day is here! I'm in awe of it all...

...including the conversation I had yesterday. Part of my emotional roller coaster the last few weeks has been (still) that K's dad doesn't know. I feel like I've made such huge strides with all of this since Feb. but the fact that he was still a missing piece of this huge secretive puzzle that has been my life, just wasn't sitting well with me. It's been like an overwhelming weight that he and I were in touch and I didn't check "telling him" off my list. The last conversation we had was weird and awkward and he was obviously drinking or something but I thought, let me give this one more shot. So I did, yesterday. His voice was different and sounded normal or alert. Sober I think they call it. We made idle chat for a few and then...I told him. I told him that I was pregnant when I moved and that by the time my parents found out I was having Her and they called an adoption agency. I didn't tell him we've been in touch. I needed him to absorb what I just told him, plus I didn't feel totally safe telling him, "Hey, we had a baby you know nothing about & she's coming to visit me this weekend. So what are you up to?" I just needed him to know that she's out there. She exists and she may, one day, want to know him. He took it surprisingly well! Thank you God, was all I kept saying. He said he was sorry I had to go through that and that he wasn't mad at me and that he cared about me. He wants to know if she ever tries to find us and he would be so excited to have her as part of his family. I'm so taken aback by this! I'm blown the F away!! I buckled when I got off the phone and just said thank you a million times. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

But then he texted me later that night. Oh how our minds start to fuck us when we dwell. He wants to find her. He thinks legally he was screwed over (I'm paraphrasing). I didn't tell them (my parents or the agency) I knew who the dad was so there was no effort on their part to find him, at all. I was a minor and my parents had to sign the paperwork and so did I. Legally he wasn't a part of it. If that's anyone's fault it's mine. I assumed he was drinking when he sent me this text so I just tried to diffuse it and will attempt to clarify how much he would upset her life at this point if he tried to get involved. When she's 18 she can find us and we can find her...not now. Good idea I didn't tell him we've been in touch??? Ye or Nay? I'm thinking Ye.

Most importantly, no matter what happens, I am so thankful to have this opportunity to know my daughter. I can't believe that I have closed the circle of secrets. There are no more. It was my greatest fear, that is telling people my secret & now everyone who this could have directly affected knows. I actually faced my fears! I can't believe it! I never have done that before in my life. Amazing!


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A New Light, A New Friend

My friend Lisa (who I consider family, not just a friend) found a new light on Sunday around 3:00. She will never be the same and I mean that in the best possible way, and she will forever remember that day. The day she met her Birthmother!!! She has a new light around her now! It's like this glow. She told me that a feeling of peace came over her that day and it's like something she'd never experienced before and like nothing she ever knew was possible. She is still in a state of complete awe!

It's so crazy to think that we've been friends for about 8 years and we're just now really getting to know each other! I mean, we knew each other before, like I knew her true personality and I knew what she liked and didn't like, we made each other laugh all the time...all that stuff but I didn't know her big fears, nor did she know mine. We were both guarded and felt naturally comfortable together because we both knew not to be too nosey or pry into each other's lives and it was like an unspoken respect to not "go there". But once K wrote to me, there was no way I could hold back my "secret" any longer. I just had to tell Lisa & I had wanted to for so long, but was always so scared it may change our friendship somehow. And you know what? It did, but only in the most amazing way!! We're more close now than we ever have been and we are so incredibly supportive of each other! Duh-that's what real friends do!! I never knew that because I'd always been too scared before. Anything deeper than the surface was too scary!

Once I told her my story just about 2 months ago, she was inspired to reach out to her B-Mom again. They had found each other about 10 years prior but lost touch over time and had only emailed and spoken on the phone once, never met. So fast-forward to present day and they met a few days ago, at a restaurant, not far from where they live! Lisa is now 40 yrs. old and has a whole new outlook on life, a new light, a new gift, a new friend in me, and a new love...her Birth Mom!! I am so happy for her & I'm so thankful that I'm able to share (with every part of me) this moment with her. We were meant to be friends and to both have such amazing stories of adoption, is just unbelievable! Who knew when we met, we would be where we are. Life just keeps on taking my breath away!

Let the light shine on!