Big News!

So it's been a few weeks since my last post. Time has just gotten away from me and I've been going through such a roller coaster of emotion but nothing like I'll experience tomorrow. She will be here! My beautiful K will be in the city where I live and I'm picking her up! OMG! OMG! OMG! There are no words that can describe what will come over me when I see her for the first time. I promise I won't wait long to post what this incredible experience will be like. This is something I've dreamed of for so long. I've wondered so many times if it would ever happen and here we are. The day is here! I'm in awe of it all...

...including the conversation I had yesterday. Part of my emotional roller coaster the last few weeks has been (still) that K's dad doesn't know. I feel like I've made such huge strides with all of this since Feb. but the fact that he was still a missing piece of this huge secretive puzzle that has been my life, just wasn't sitting well with me. It's been like an overwhelming weight that he and I were in touch and I didn't check "telling him" off my list. The last conversation we had was weird and awkward and he was obviously drinking or something but I thought, let me give this one more shot. So I did, yesterday. His voice was different and sounded normal or alert. Sober I think they call it. We made idle chat for a few and then...I told him. I told him that I was pregnant when I moved and that by the time my parents found out I was having Her and they called an adoption agency. I didn't tell him we've been in touch. I needed him to absorb what I just told him, plus I didn't feel totally safe telling him, "Hey, we had a baby you know nothing about & she's coming to visit me this weekend. So what are you up to?" I just needed him to know that she's out there. She exists and she may, one day, want to know him. He took it surprisingly well! Thank you God, was all I kept saying. He said he was sorry I had to go through that and that he wasn't mad at me and that he cared about me. He wants to know if she ever tries to find us and he would be so excited to have her as part of his family. I'm so taken aback by this! I'm blown the F away!! I buckled when I got off the phone and just said thank you a million times. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

But then he texted me later that night. Oh how our minds start to fuck us when we dwell. He wants to find her. He thinks legally he was screwed over (I'm paraphrasing). I didn't tell them (my parents or the agency) I knew who the dad was so there was no effort on their part to find him, at all. I was a minor and my parents had to sign the paperwork and so did I. Legally he wasn't a part of it. If that's anyone's fault it's mine. I assumed he was drinking when he sent me this text so I just tried to diffuse it and will attempt to clarify how much he would upset her life at this point if he tried to get involved. When she's 18 she can find us and we can find her...not now. Good idea I didn't tell him we've been in touch??? Ye or Nay? I'm thinking Ye.

Most importantly, no matter what happens, I am so thankful to have this opportunity to know my daughter. I can't believe that I have closed the circle of secrets. There are no more. It was my greatest fear, that is telling people my secret & now everyone who this could have directly affected knows. I actually faced my fears! I can't believe it! I never have done that before in my life. Amazing!

xoxo
Jen