Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Wishing I was there

I can't believe it's only been 3 months since I received my first email from K. I still remember looking at my phone, seeing that I had a new email from someone who's last name I didn't recognize and how I had a delayed reaction to seeing her name. At first I thought, Who? And then in a split second I realized it was K, my daughter & my heart leaped out of my chest!!

I know how lucky I am to have this opportunity. To be able to have the chance to email her whenever I want to; to be able to send her pictures and receive pictures; to be able to tell her how much I love her and miss her, not just wish and hope she will know one day; to know that her mother has accepted me with open arms & has reassured me that I will always be a part of their lives. It is more than I could have ever dreamed of. Thank you GOD!!! I don't know how I survived this long without having her in my life. I can't imagine my life now without her.

No matter how amazing this relationship is or becomes, I'll always miss what I didn't have with her. I don't think that part ever goes away. That part that wishes things could have been different & that I could have raised her & been her Mom. That part that wishes when I look at her pictures as a little girl, that I could have held her & rocked her to sleep and comforted her when she was sad, or heard that little laugh that kids have. Even though I know in my heart and my mind that her life probably wouldn't have been as amazing as it is right now & that back then, as a teenage girl, I probably wouldn't have held the same feelings about doing those things as I do now, as a 30 y/o woman, I think us B-Mom's will always hold on to that wish deep inside our matter what.

K is on the swim team at school and they had a banquet dinner the other night. She sent me pictures and she looked so incredibly gorgeous. One picture in particular just really got me though. It was one of her and 4 of her friends, all standing next to their moms, K's included. It's a beautiful picture! I just stared at it and cried. I cried because I was so happy she has become such a beautiful young woman, because her mom is such an amazing woman & I know how much she loves K, because I missed her and my heart longed for her and because I wished that I could have been there, standing there next to her; next to my daughter as her mom.

All B-Mom's know we can't change what happened. We can't change the past or take back the adoption once it's been done. At first it feels like it was the right thing to do and it probably was, especially if you had a family like mine. For me, time didn't make the decisions 15 years ago more bearable. If anything, time made the pain more severe, more real. But the universe has shifted. Now time has become my friend. Now I know K & I will always be in each others lives & I feel like my life is just beginning. I feel like she and I have all the time in the world and in just weeks I will be meeting my daughter for the first time ever! I will hold her and hug her. I never had the chance to do that when she was born. I've only dreamed of it.

Giving up your baby is one of the most painful things in life that someone can experience & if it doesn't feel like it at first, it will one day. I have literally woken up every day since getting K's letter & said out loud Thank You, because I know how blessed I am to have her in my life. I'll always wish I could have been there & I'll always be grateful, for the rest of my life, that I'm here now.


Friday, May 21, 2010

Up & Down

This morning (and kinda last night) I was feeling really down. I could feel that weight in my head starting to get heavier and heavier. That little nagging voice that has dictated my life in a negative way, was starting to talk to me again. The difference though, between hearing that voice now vs. say 6 months ago, is that I'm more conscious of it. What I mean is, when that negativity starts to set in telling me that I'm not good enough, or that my dreams are unattainable, or that I'm less than so & so because they've accomplished more than I have, I'm able to now pull myself out of the darkness. It may take a couple of hours or it may only take a split second but by me telling myself out loud to stop it, I'm able to quiet the voice inside my head so that I can hear the voice inside my heart.

In my heart I know I have so much to be thankful for & I know without a doubt that I will fulfill my dreams. I've just been programmed for the last 15 years to think otherwise. I've allowed every negative thing I've ever heard, felt, saw, and experienced to trap me. My ability to now be able to shut that negativity down is because I've realized in the last few months that everything I've ever believed was a lie. I believed I was a loser, that I'd ruined my life, that because I had this secret I didn't deserve anything good (and a ton of additional insecurities) but that is ALL A LIE!! It's a lie! Since having K in my life, I am certain beyond all certainty that I am meant to do & will do all of the things that I've ever dreamed of and maybe even a little more than that.

So at 8:00 this morning I was crying, praying and giving myself a pep talk all at the same time. Now it is 10:47 and I feel like I will have a book deal by year's end! In other words, I went from hopeless to hopeful in less than 3 hours. Not bad for me! Sometimes when I have these mood swings, for lack of a better word, I laugh and think I'm a little skitzo but this is my way of working through my shit. That is quite the accomplishment I'd say! I'm working through it. I'm not just letting my mind take me on a roller coaster of depression and angst. I'm telling that voice that is my other self, the old self, the self that use to be louder than my heart, to fuck off. This Inn is full. There is no room for you here.


Monday, May 17, 2010

The burden of guilt

Guilt is something that I have struggled with since I was a teenager. I carried it with me for SO long and it affected every part of who I was, who I became, how I thought of myself and ultimately, how I thought others perceived me. I'd already condemned myself long before others had the chance to. To me, time doesn't heal all wounds. Especially the wound that us B-Mom's carry. I think our pain is unlike any other. Not to take away the pain that others experience in life, but our wound is so primal. Time (for me) just made my pain more intense. Every year I thought about Her more and more. Every day I thought about my choices, mistakes and those of my parents, and my "what if" thought process was paralyzing. Was paralyzing.

Since K wrote to me, the guilt that was my best friend has almost completely vanished. I don't think my heart will ever be completely whole again, just because I will always miss her (you probably know what I mean), but I will not live with the suffocating guilt that was smothering me for the last 15 years. To know she is happy, safe & loved is something that I will be forever grateful for. The not knowing, combined with my own shame was killing me slowly every single day! I know for a fact that if she hadn't written to me, I'd still be in that same place. That place was so god-awful! I know how blessed I am now. I couldn't see it before & it may be hard for you to see right now too but, (and I used to hate it when people said stuff like this) if I can forgive myself and see the light at the end of the tunnel as sunlight, and not a train coming at me, you can too!! I think I hated hearing people say " can too" because I didn't believe it. They didn't understand what I'd been through. But I get it now!! Maybe the last 15 years have been like a training process for me to be able to help others! I've never been as excited about the future as I am right now!! I think I really can use my past as a tool for my future, not as a torture device (on myself!).

Feeling guilty is like being locked in an invisible prison cell. Guilt robs you of the ability to believe you are worthy of success in life, and you are never truly free as long as you carry its burden... Guilt is rooted in fear.

That excerpt is from something I was reading this morning & it just made me realize how truly powerful guilt is. Throw in some shame and you've got a perfect combo for a life unfulfilled and a life of undiscovered potential. Well, guess what? I'm done with prison & I am over the fear that I've allowed to hold me back from this life. I'm breaking free from myself and my past so that I can embrace everything that today holds and everything the future will bring.


Sunday, May 16, 2010

Am I an asshole?

Okay, I just had a thought. I turned on the TV & there was an infomercial that featured a guy, who's apparently some successful real estate person, talking about how successful & cool he is. I thought for a second, what if that had been K's dad? Theoretically, I mean. What if I would have called him and he had been some outwardly normal person, who had a great job and who wasn't on crack (or meth, sorry) & hadn't talked the entire F'g time we were on the phone? How would that have made me feel vs. how the person I did talk to made me feel? I felt so disappointed after talking to him and a little heartbroken because he's currently a freak but part of my "thought" was this; I think it made me feel a little bit better about myself to know he wasn't some successful, do-gooder, husband, with a wife & kids. I feel like such an asshole for even thinking it! It's just the lingering loser inside me that wants to feel better by comparing myself to him; someone who's obviously not all there. Who's to say I am? But really, he literally talked the entire time!

I really do hope that we can be friends one day or at least have an understanding. I want him to know about K one day, I truly do, so I hope he finds his way. I hope I find my way too. Just because I'm not a tweeker doesn't mean I'm taking advantage all of what life has to offer. I know I have no excuses left personally. If I don't accomplish the things in my life that I've always made excuses not to do, I have no one to blame but myself. The girl I use to be is always trying to tell me I'm not good enough & I'm so sick of all the self-doubt!

So I need to have a plan! I don't think I've ever had a plan and stuck with it. Ever! God that's crazy but there's no time like the present. I refuse to have a 40th birthday (one day) and look back on my 30's regretting as much as I did in my 20's. F THAT!! It's on!!!!

Just to end this eve on a positive note...I don't think I'm an asshole. It was however, an asshole thought, but it has since passed. I want him to be the best person he can be in his life, for her & for himself. That's the truth.


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Unemployed Woman Seeks Big Dreams

Yes, I am currently unemployed. Again! It's been a little over a week since I got laid off from my job which only sucks because I don't have a paycheck coming in, not in any way because I loved it. My hubby (thank God) has a good job & is as solid as he can be in his position, but we're a two income household for sure. So losing this job means I need to find another, relatively soon. First of all, I knew this one was temporary so getting the axe was no shocker & it was, of course, a completely unfulfilling position. I guess a lot of people who go to their ho-hum jobs everyday aren't really fulfilled either, so I'm not unique in that, but I just dream of so much more! Do you ever think, This can't be it! This is not all there is, right?  I do. I know in my heart I'm meant to do something more with my life than puddle jump to the next office job. I think I've always known that but have been too afraid and too consumed by my own fears and self doubt to really do anything about it. I would make myself feel better by saying, Something will happen. Something will fall into your lap, I just know it! God, I'm so full of crap!

I know in reality, I'm the only one who's stopping myself from "becoming" something. What does that really mean anyway? Becoming something. Becoming someone. I mean I've had good jobs. I was an Interior Designer for over 6 years and it was great! But even then I was searching for something else. Since leaving that career, I've been wandering. A wandering, wondering, gypsy of sorts. I've been a nomad on the road of admin & office jobs, with streets littered in scanning, faxing, getting bagels and catching up with the other zombies to talk about, well the other zombies. Completely empty calories, filling the day but leaving me longing for nourishment. I want to nosh on some exciting, inspiring, interesting 8 hour days (or more)!! Perhaps, something topped with passion? That's what I think being something means...To be fulfilled, happy, satisfied. To have passion about something, not just walk through everyday, wishing for something else. Why can't we have what we wish for? Somebody does right? There are people who exist that have accomplished goals & who have made their dreams a reality!! This does happen!! Just look at Diddy :)

I'm just annoyed with myself today because I know I'm capable, I know I have the desire & I know I'm the only one who is standing in my way. So I want to kick my own ass! I'm actually going to take that as a good thing, this annoyance. Something in me needs to change & what could be better to help you change, than starting to embrace who you are. The last few months have proven to me that anything is possible & I have so much more to offer than I ever gave myself credit for. Before, I was so consumed by guilt & my past that I'd stop short on everything I started, or I used that as an excuse because I was afraid that if I did have true success at something, then I'd need to face that past. Bottom line: I HAVE NO MORE EXCUSES LEFT! I really don't.

Oh you're probably wondering what those dreams are. Fine. And as I type this, I will say it outloud so the Universe can hear me & ask for further clarification if need be. Eh-hem: I want to be a Writer. I want to write screenplays, books, articles, and inspire myself and others. I want to live my truth and use my experiences as a tool, not a torture device. And I will always get my own coffee no matter how successful I become.

So that's all for now. I'm hungry.


Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

Mother's Day in the past was always about standing in Target (or some other equally awesome store) trying really, really hard to pick out a card for Mom that didn't sound like a complete lie. I would love to get a card that said, You were always there for me, You picked me up when I was down, You were there in my darkest hour, but that totally didn't happen. I usually end up getting the Hope you have a wonderful day. But today folks there was no card to be picked out, there was no phone call, or text. This is the first Mother's Day I haven't talked to my mom. Regardless of how our relationship was or what it was based on, I don't remember a time that we just didn't speak at all (speak, not talk).

The last conversation we had was about 2 months ago & it's was about "the seeeecret". I was calling to tell her that I was disappointed (duh) in her reaction to my receiving K's letter. When I had spoken to her, about a week prior to tell her I'd gotten it, she was extremely matter-of-fact and just kind of a bitch, to be honest. There were a lot of "uh-huh's" and "oh that's nice". I never get angry at her or lose my temper, even after everything that's happened, but the fact that she never asked to see a picture of K, or ask what she looked like, or get even an ounce of emotion stuck in her throat for me, just told me that she really doesn't care. I finally saw it for what it was. But I hung up without making waves. I hung up feeling like I felt in that hospital room 15 years before. To make this phone call scenario even longer, I called her to tell her she basically hurt me & I wasn't willing to keep this a secret anymore. It was killing me!! Well, she didn't like that too much. This was the most horrible argument I've ever gotten into with anyone! She tore my ass apart and blamed me for everything that happened. Everything! I actually yelled back this time & told her that I was ONLY 15 and YOU WERE THE PARENT! She has no idea, nor do I think she really cares about what this has done to me. She's too busy worrying about defending herself. Anyway, that's why she didn't get a card, or a call, or a text.

Other than that, today was a really special Mother's Day & had a whole new meaning. I got an email from K saying Happy Mother's Day!!! That still feels like a dream! Her mom sent me a text saying she was thinking of me & of course my MIL is great and we talked for awhile. My brother, his g/f & their new baby are doing amazing and it was her first Mother's Day. That's a lot of good stuff, wouldn't you say?! I'm just overwhelmed by all this love! It's like nothing I've ever felt before.

Even though my mom is stuck on the dark side, I'll be waiting if she ever wants to come into the light. Well, only if my hubby doesn't drive a stake through her heart first. That was a joke...


Saturday, May 8, 2010

Let Down 2010

God, I'm disappointed!! Maybe I was setting myself up for it but I can't help it. I always give people too much credit, even before I know who they are, and even when I do know who they are. I mean I haven't seen or spoken to K's dad since I was 15 years old, so really, what was I expecting? Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me fill you in...

I got his phone # a few days ago from his brother, whom I found on Facebook. I have and do feel in my heart, that the right thing to do is to tell him about K and let him know she's out there, she exists! One day, maybe she will want to know him. So last night, I just said screw it! I'm calling! I hadn't decided how much I was going to tell him because I was going in kind of blind, I just knew I was going to tell him that I had her, she was given up for adoption & I felt destroyed ever since. Okay, so that was the so-called plan. But then he picked up the phone...

Uhm, I think I can say with all certainty, he's a tweaker!!! Noooo!! Please say it ain't so! I've done drugs in my day & when we were all hanging out together, that's what we did. Drank, tried whatever was around and hung out till the sun came up, but apparently after I left he got into some hard, hardcore shit. He told me he wasn't doing it (and by it, I mean meth/ice) anymore but, I think that's an addict telling me he's not doing it anymore. Pretty sure it wasn't a beer buzz he had! I'm SO disappointed!!!

Literally, I said maybe 10 words in this hour long conversation. Although the word conversation would imply that two people were talking to each other. He was talking AT me most of the time. There was no calm. There was no sincerity. It was just chaotic or something. I can't explain it, all I know is I didn't feel safe telling him because it wouldn't have been received, you know what I mean? This is HUGE information!! I felt like he was in another world. I guess I just expected him to be "normal-ish" & that was not the case...So the 10 words I said didn't have anything to do with anything. How could they? He told me he's never had any kids, and that I was always the "special one". What do I do with that information? Maybe nothing, but part of me feels like, maybe if I told him it could change his life as much as mine has been changed since K contacted me. But then I think...he's not me & I can't be responsible for changing his life, can I? Of course I can't. I can't believe I just had that thought!

I cried so much last night. I felt devastated when I got off the phone. It was a huge build up to call him too. I was so incredibly nervous. SO NERVOUS!! Then, there was that. I was left with that; this addict or freak or just lost soul. He sent me a text afterward and said he was sorry he talked so much, he was just nervous and buzzed. I guess so dude! I'm also left with the fact that he still doesn't know. I'm not sure if I should call him another day or send him an email or what. I have no answers at the moment. All I do know, is that I would never in a million years, let this beautiful girl, my beautiful daughter, ever know that person. She is everything that is good and right in this world and I knew when I heard his voice that she couldn't be a part of that. But he still doesn't know about his daughter, and I of course feel some guilt lingering. I always take on the guilt. But I shouldn't this time, should I? Do you guys have any answers? I'm sort of at a loss today.


Friday, May 7, 2010

The Domino Effect

I would have never believed that this would be happening. This whole, living your truth business. My mind has been officially blown. The more I think about what has taken place, the more I just sit back in complete amazement.

With one letter, my life changed. Before I got K's letter I was existing, but not living. I was loved, but unable to truly accept it. I would smile, but the pain was always smiling back. Then I got a letter. This letter that told me, it's okay, and I love you. It told me that there is no secret & there is no shame. K was safe, healthy, and happy! Happy! She was raised by a wonderful, nurturing family and she thanked me for giving her to them. When I saw her pictures, the light that is inside her was undeniable. Was part of that light me? This is light, not darkness. This is love, not hate. Is this really happening? It was really happening. It is really happening! In that moment, I knew this beautiful person that grew inside me, wasn't meant to be a secret and there was no room for pain and guilt, because she is love. She radiates love. She isn't a passing thought, or a horrible memory. She is my Angel. She saved me.

So as the days passed since receiving her letter, I've made a TON of progress. It's so funny how life plays out sometimes. Months before getting it, I'd been falling into a deeper depression and had been on anti-depressants for probably about 6 years. They really only helped me balance, they definitely weren't healing anything. Just a band-aid on a gunshot wound, but about 6 months prior to getting her letter, I wanted to ween myself off my anti's because I felt like they weren't doing shit! I was becoming so much more depressed than I had ever been before. Not just depressed, I was longing and desperate to heal and find my way out of this dark place. I had no idea how that was going to happen, I just knew my heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest. The anti's at this point felt like they were just numbing me and I had to break free! I knew what my sorrow stemmed from & it wasn't all chemical imbalances & a family history, it was a broken heart and guilt for fuck's sake. As I got on the lowest dose of happy pills I just started to have even more intense feelings about everything, yet felt compelled to do something about it! So I started going back to therapy. I puked everything out in our first session & knew I had to continue this for me. I had to begin to heal or I would  be stuck forever. One week later, I got K's letter.

These are the things that have happened since that day, 2.5 months ago:
  • K & I email each other almost every night!!
  • I told my amazing friend Lisa, of 8 years, who's adopted herself...One of the reasons I felt so scared to tell her. I really thought she would think I was horrible! We're closer than ever now!
  • I told my brother! He never knew. My parents made me keep it a secret between the 3 of us. He's been SO supportive and amazing. He is behind me 100%!
  • I told my In-Law's! They have embraced me more than they had before and I thought that was a lot! My MIL told everyone at work about my story (she's a talker!) and she's so proud of me!
  • I had a conversation w/ my dad for the first time EVER about what happened and told him how I felt so alone and confused. I needed them and I was lost back then. That was one of the most healing conversations I've had.
  • My mom and I had a terrible blow-out and it was God awful but made me realize that I am strong and it's not all my fault. She has suffocating guilt and shame that I cannot be responsible for any longer!
  • I met K's mom and she is the most beautiful human being I've ever met, inside and out, emotionally and spiritually...amazing. One of the best days of my entire life.
  • I have K's dad's # and I'm tyring to build up the courage to talk to him soon, about all of it. He deserves to know I think. I deserve to not have anything be a secret & that was always part of it.K deserves to know that if she wants to ever talk or see her father in the future, that he knows about her already (and there is no secret!). I hate that word now!!!
Just a few of the amazing things that have happened since getting a letter from an Angel. The Domingo Effect, you ask? Well, by me telling my friend Lisa, who's adopted as I mentioned, she said my story sparked something in her and she wanted to find her B-Mom. So she jumped on FB and found her about a week after I told her my story. They're meeting on the 30th of May!! She also found her B-Dad on FB (FB is freaking crazy!!) & they've started emailing each other. There's a huge part of her life being filled in at this very moment! K fulfilled me with a sense of love, peace and filled a void that would have forever consumed me if I hadn't gotten her letter that day. Her mom told me that I filled a void in K that she never could have filled, and K told me she feels complete for the first time in her life since finding me! I've opened up to people and have started living in this truth, which had been my greatest fear for 15+ years, in 2.5 months!! I feel compelled to help others now and share my story and who knows how many other people that can effect!

So by one girl, writing one letter, to one person...I'm seeing lives transformed in front of my eyes. It's like an out of body experience, or as close to one as I can imagine. The residual effects of receiving her letter are unbelievable. They're magical.


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Holy Crap!

Holy crap just scratches the surface! I have big news! So in addition to all the amazing things that have taken place since Feb. 20th, things I'd only dreamed about, or had nightmare's about, depending on my state of mind, something else has just happened! Another part of this huge chunk of my life is about to hit my right in the face and kind of already has....K's dad!!!!!

Of course I've thought about him over the years. We were so young but we were so connected and in love, as much as a 15 and 16 y/o can be. I think he knew how alone I was and he wanted to save me. Regardless of our co-dependency, when you're that age (or probably any age and co-dependent) you feel like that person is your everything. Have you ever known someone that you know would do anything for you? That was him, to me. But then everything happened so fast. We knew I was pregnant before I moved. I had taken a pregnancy test and it was very positive! It seems like everything from that point on became a clusterfuck of bad choices. Although, the bad choices started long before that day.

Once I found out I was pregnant, we were supposed to go to Planned Parenthood, most likely for an abortion, although I don't recall having a plan, I just remember he was supposed to pick me up. He never did. Something happened and he was late so we couldn't go. Then I was leaving a few days later for California. The days that followed are a complete blur. I remember going to the airport, holding onto him for dear life. I remember lots of tears and hugging all my friends and not wanting to leave them. And then I remember sitting on the plane, in my window seat, crying uncontrollably, alone. That was the last time I saw him. I know we talked a few times once I settled in Cali with the parentals but I honestly, for the life of me, do not remember what I told him about the pregnancy. I have no idea if I lied (which is highly likely), or if I just stopped talking to him, flat out, or what. I do know, that I stopped talking to him long before She came into this world. He has no idea about the adoption. I'm sure over the years he's wondered what really came of it all, what became of me.

And here we are! I was on FB last week and I've of course been thinking about him a loooot since getting K's letter and seeing her gorgeous face. God, she looks SO much like the both of us, it's insane!!! With it being a "secret" for so long, part of my guilt was always him not knowing, you know? But I digress...So I went on FB and couldn't find him, but found who I thought may be his brother, and sent him just a little message; Hi, not sure if this is You, but it's Me, and I hope you're well, blah, blah, blah. Uhm, yes it was him, yes he and his bro are well, AND, exact quote: My brother was so happy to hear you are doing well. He's always talked about his model g/f Jenn....You should really call him sometime. His # is ___!!! Are you serious????

HOLY CRAP is an appropriate title I think. I almost stopped breathing when I read it. One, I found him. Two, he still talks about me???. Three, he obviously wants me to call him? Just like that! I'm dying!!! Dying!! Honestly, this is like the final piece of the secret that has made me sick for so long. He's the last link in a way. He is a huge piece of my puzzle. And he's here. His phone # is just staring me in the face. But I'm scared. Actually scared, excited, nervous, and almost giddy in a way. Is that weird? I think because he's happy to hear from me and wants me to call him, makes the giddiness start brewing, but then I think, this conversation won't be all about reminiscing. Well it will, but you know what I mean.

I guess I've really lived through the hardest part of it all, which would be letting my daughter go, even though I never really have. And the most important part of it all, is that she has had an amazing life, and that's a fact. So this is just a part of the big picture right? It's not the picture. It doesn't make or break anything. Because the one thing that can never break, no matter what, is the love & the bond that K and I have.

But I'm still freaking out. I have to go practice breathing now...


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Lighten up!

Nothing major...just wanted to lighten the bloggy, so the template once again has changed. I think I'll stick to this one for at least a week or two :)

I'm so happy that whoever is reading this out there, is taking something away from my story. It's amazing to think that anything I could say would have an affect on someone & be it in a positive way...stranger things have happened! This is rad! Really, thank you guys!


Never Give Up

I've been like a sponge lately. I actually hear what people are saying & read their words now. It's like I feel so much more connected and that's exactly what I am...connected. I don't feel like I'm floating in the dark abyss any longer. I've never known anything different, or if I did, it was so long ago that I can't remember. I use to buy books, read about 30 pages or so, and just put them down or become completely disinterested. Now, it's like I need to read these stories of people who have come out of the dark, into the light, or hear their struggle & their triumph. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm becoming one of those people! I am one of those people! Holy crap!

Never Give Up is the book I'm currently reading, by Joyce Meyer. Yes, Joyce Meyer the Evangelist person! :() I know! Normally I shy away (purposely) from those peeps. When I was younger my mom took us to a few big time Evangelist's who "laid their hands on me" a 7-8 year old, it's really bizarre, I have to say. So anyway, it completely random that I picked up Ms. Joyce's book, but at the same time I'm so open to other's people's POV's, & I'm so intrigued by their journey that I don't discriminate! Not even in my vocab! And like I said, I'm kinda becoming a little sponge! It's kewl :)

I was at Ralph's (a grocery store here in So. Cal) and they have a really nice little book selection. So after I picked up my veggie's, I was rollin' past the books and stopped to see what they had (actually the 25% off sign caught my eye). I picked up a few books that had interesting titles, one of those being Never Give Up. One of my biggest fears has always been not accomplishing anything. Yes I've had good jobs, yes I have a great hubby and I think I'm a good wifey (although I haaate cleaning) but I mean ME. Me accomplishing something & feeling fulfilled! I've always held myself back from everything. Never have I truly finished or accomplished anything. I always go halfway or on a good day 3/4 of the way and fall short. It's all because of me, I know this. No one else has stopped me from "becoming" someone or doing "something". I'm my own roadblock. My own worst enemy. So Never Give Up just sang to me, because through it ALL, I've always had a little voice in my head telling me, "You will do something great", "You were meant to do something more with this life", "This didn't all happen in vain". It's been a really soft, faint voice, true. But it's been there. All the other shit in my head was just trying to drowned it out!

So I opened this book somewhere in the middle, just to feel it out, and one of the first things I read was that Joyce had a horrible life growing up and an abusive childhood. She never went to college, that wasn't her path, but today she has written over 80 books. 80 Books?!? Just that in and of itself made me want to know more about this woman! And she is an amazing, real, person! The book is filled with common sense stuff (in addition to a lot of scripture references) but when you read it, you just GET IT! When our minds start to play tricks on us and our guilt, or sadness or pain, eat us alive, we have no compass. We're just consumed by the negative & we become the roadblock. As I'm now starting to forgive and love myself, and learn that other people really love me for me, I'm able to heal and accept that I might just have something to really offer! What a revelation! You have something to offer too!

One thing she says in the book that really was like an "ah-ha" moment (I mentioned i love Oprah, right?), was this: When you are not exactly where you want to be, remind yourself that neither are you where you use to be. That hit me right in the face! Bam! SO TRUE!! When I think about where I was mentally & emotionally just 3 months ago & realize how many unbelievable things have happened since Feb. 20th, I am in a complete state of amazement! One day you can wake up and everything as you know it can be different. That Saturday morning when I woke up and started going through the mail, I never would have thought there would be a letter that would change the course of my life. Just like that! So that little, faint voice buried deep inside me, was my true self telling me to never give up, and even though there were soooo many, countless times I felt hopeless, I was holding on for dear life. Phew!


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Greatest Gift

"Out of my greatest despair, was to come the greatest gift."

That quote captures everything I could ever say about my journey in this life, thus far. It's in the first paragraph of the book The Secret (which I LOVE). Yes, it's new-agey and even if that's not your thing, I think you will be able to appreciate the point of the book, which is, you have to be thankful for what you have everyday & that what you put out there (your energy, your attitude, your thoughts, your dreams) can & will become your reality, good or bad. I think that holds true no matter what you believe in.

Until recently, I hated myself and was falling deeper into a depression. I tried really hard not to let go completely but my heart was hanging on my a string. Some days were better than others but my mind was my own worst enemy. Not that anyone else would have known. On the outside I was happy-go lucky, friendly, warm, kinda funny :) and didn't seem like a person who had "problems". But I couldn't forgive myself for my past. I just couldn't! I felt like a horrible person who had ruined my life & worst than that, someone else's. In between all the noise in my head, I met this amazing man, who became my husband but even then I didn't think I deserved him. He loved me so much & always knew how to make me laugh. He saved me from myself, but couldn't save me from a broken heart. Only I knew what it would take to start gluing that thing back together. And it was being free from this secret. I knew my secret was strangling me.

My hubby was the only person who knew about the adoption & that was the secret I kept until I met him when I was 24. I had never told a friend because I didn't have any (on purpose). I'd never told my brother because my parents said no one was to know. I never had therapy (until I was  25) because you were weak if you needed a shrink. So my secret became my sickness. Actually, that's part of AA. They say Our secrets make us sick. And nothing could be more true. Every insecurity, every day filled with sadness, every racing heartbeat, every stretch mark I saw on my body, was my secret eating me alive. I never knew that my greatest despair would become the greatest gift. But that truly happened.

In the last 2.5 months, I have told my 2 best friends, my brother, my in-laws, and I have talked to my father & my mother about the "secret". My brother was AMAZING! He told me how proud he was of me and how excited he was for K and I. My friends have been an unbelievable support!! They love me more than ever! Oh & my in-laws. God, they are amazing people. They are by my side 100%! My dad cried and told me how sorry he was for not being there for me and how much he has regretted the decisions that were made back then. I never knew that. He had never spoken to me about it...ever. My mom, unfortunately, didn't have any words of love or healing for me. She blamed me for all of it. Everything. She broke my heart a little more that day when we spoke, but only because I still love her, not because I think she's right in any way. I was a kid. I was lost and alone and confused. She was broken and unable to save me. So every time I think about what I missed out on with not having K, I think of what she and I would have had to both endure if she would have stayed with me. It wouldn't have been the loving, nurturing, healthy family she's had over the last 15 years.

Without a doubt, out of my greatest despair has come the greatest gift. Not just one gift, but many. The day I opened K's letter, just a few months ago, life changed. I received the gift of love. Not just any love, but HER love. I have the gift of peace, knowing she is safe, loved, healthy, and has had an amazing life! I have the gift of her parents accepting me and letting us have a relationship! I gained a new family!! The gift of forgiveness. Everyday, I'm healing a little more & learning to love myself and realize that I'm a good person who deserves great things. The gift of friendship. I can finally talk about my true self to the people who I love & they love me back! The gift of strength. I never realized how strong I was until recently! I always thought of myself as weak. Then there is the gift of truth. Secrets are so damaging!! No matter what they are, they will eat you alive. My secret literally affected everything I felt, everything I thought, and everything I was.

The day I saw her pictures, the day I read her letter, I knew this was something I was not willing to keep to myself. It was too beautiful, too pure and too true. No more secrets. No more fear. Just love <3


Monday, May 3, 2010

An Amazing Day

Yesterday was a day I will never forget. I met a woman who has changed my life in the most profound way and she is one of, if not the most amazing person I have ever met. She is my daughter's adoptive mother. She is her mother & she is incredible.

So we met at a beautiful outdoor shopping area that's about half-way for both of us. We only live 2 hours away from each other! We were to meet in front of K's favorite crepe restaurant. I probably sat in my car for a good 15 minutes before getting out because I was so incredibly nervous! Shaking!! As I walked up the pathway, I saw her in the distance. She turned and saw me & the first thing she said as I came toward her was, "You walk just like her". We just embraced each other and started to cry. It was amazing! We held hands and walked over to a bench, under a tree and sat and talked about everything!!

I told her about my past and how the guilt & shame has suffocated me for so many years & she held me and assured me there was nothing to feel ashamed of. She didn't know my story. She only knew I got pregnant when I was 15. She didn't know I picked them out of a book filled with strange faces, with only the social worker at my side. Mom, was so angry and embarrassed she sat in the other room as I struggled to understand with what was happening. I told her how damaged I felt ever since the paperwork was signed, but she grabbed my hand and told me how strong I was, and that this was just the beginning of a whole new life!!

She told me how proud K is of me and how much she loves me. That she tells everyone about me and has a picture of me on her binder that she takes to school!! She told me that she loved me too and that I am a part of their family & I will always be in K's life. God, who is this angel?? This woman, so full of love & compassion, has accepted me as part of their family, just like that!! It's more than I could have ever dreamed of!!

I'm not religious, per se, but I do believe in God. I believe I have a guardian angel that guided me to pick them! Out of all of the faces in that book, what led me to select them?! She has given me the greatest gift I have ever received! The gift of knowing my daughter. I will be eternally grateful to her. None of this would be possible without her love & her sense of security with their relationship. She told me there is enough love in K's heart for all of us! She said, "Who am I to deny her loving you & who am I to deny you of her love?". If that's not a woman who is enlightened, I don't know who is.

The most amazing part though...I get to meet K at the end of June!!!!!