Monday, May 17, 2010

The burden of guilt

Guilt is something that I have struggled with since I was a teenager. I carried it with me for SO long and it affected every part of who I was, who I became, how I thought of myself and ultimately, how I thought others perceived me. I'd already condemned myself long before others had the chance to. To me, time doesn't heal all wounds. Especially the wound that us B-Mom's carry. I think our pain is unlike any other. Not to take away the pain that others experience in life, but our wound is so primal. Time (for me) just made my pain more intense. Every year I thought about Her more and more. Every day I thought about my choices, mistakes and those of my parents, and my "what if" thought process was paralyzing. Was paralyzing.

Since K wrote to me, the guilt that was my best friend has almost completely vanished. I don't think my heart will ever be completely whole again, just because I will always miss her (you probably know what I mean), but I will not live with the suffocating guilt that was smothering me for the last 15 years. To know she is happy, safe & loved is something that I will be forever grateful for. The not knowing, combined with my own shame was killing me slowly every single day! I know for a fact that if she hadn't written to me, I'd still be in that same place. That place was so god-awful! I know how blessed I am now. I couldn't see it before & it may be hard for you to see right now too but, (and I used to hate it when people said stuff like this) if I can forgive myself and see the light at the end of the tunnel as sunlight, and not a train coming at me, you can too!! I think I hated hearing people say " can too" because I didn't believe it. They didn't understand what I'd been through. But I get it now!! Maybe the last 15 years have been like a training process for me to be able to help others! I've never been as excited about the future as I am right now!! I think I really can use my past as a tool for my future, not as a torture device (on myself!).

Feeling guilty is like being locked in an invisible prison cell. Guilt robs you of the ability to believe you are worthy of success in life, and you are never truly free as long as you carry its burden... Guilt is rooted in fear.

That excerpt is from something I was reading this morning & it just made me realize how truly powerful guilt is. Throw in some shame and you've got a perfect combo for a life unfulfilled and a life of undiscovered potential. Well, guess what? I'm done with prison & I am over the fear that I've allowed to hold me back from this life. I'm breaking free from myself and my past so that I can embrace everything that today holds and everything the future will bring.


1 comment:

  1. Somebody once told me: "Guilt is a useless emption." I have always thought of those words since. If you think about it, it's so true. If you have something to feel guilty about then guilt not address it. Either make amends or do what you need to do. If you have nothing to feel guilty about, then there is no reason to feel guilt.

    Cutting right through centuries of BS crap, no??!! My feeling: somewhere way back when some genius discovered that guilt was highly manipulative and useful because people will oppress themselves with it--you don't even have to oppress them.