Wishing I was there

I can't believe it's only been 3 months since I received my first email from K. I still remember looking at my phone, seeing that I had a new email from someone who's last name I didn't recognize and how I had a delayed reaction to seeing her name. At first I thought, Who? And then in a split second I realized it was K, my daughter & my heart leaped out of my chest!!

I know how lucky I am to have this opportunity. To be able to have the chance to email her whenever I want to; to be able to send her pictures and receive pictures; to be able to tell her how much I love her and miss her, not just wish and hope she will know one day; to know that her mother has accepted me with open arms & has reassured me that I will always be a part of their lives. It is more than I could have ever dreamed of. Thank you GOD!!! I don't know how I survived this long without having her in my life. I can't imagine my life now without her.

No matter how amazing this relationship is or becomes, I'll always miss what I didn't have with her. I don't think that part ever goes away. That part that wishes things could have been different & that I could have raised her & been her Mom. That part that wishes when I look at her pictures as a little girl, that I could have held her & rocked her to sleep and comforted her when she was sad, or heard that little laugh that kids have. Even though I know in my heart and my mind that her life probably wouldn't have been as amazing as it is right now & that back then, as a teenage girl, I probably wouldn't have held the same feelings about doing those things as I do now, as a 30 y/o woman, I think us B-Mom's will always hold on to that wish deep inside our hearts...no matter what.

K is on the swim team at school and they had a banquet dinner the other night. She sent me pictures and she looked so incredibly gorgeous. One picture in particular just really got me though. It was one of her and 4 of her friends, all standing next to their moms, K's included. It's a beautiful picture! I just stared at it and cried. I cried because I was so happy she has become such a beautiful young woman, because her mom is such an amazing woman & I know how much she loves K, because I missed her and my heart longed for her and because I wished that I could have been there, standing there next to her; next to my daughter as her mom.

All B-Mom's know we can't change what happened. We can't change the past or take back the adoption once it's been done. At first it feels like it was the right thing to do and it probably was, especially if you had a family like mine. For me, time didn't make the decisions 15 years ago more bearable. If anything, time made the pain more severe, more real. But the universe has shifted. Now time has become my friend. Now I know K & I will always be in each others lives & I feel like my life is just beginning. I feel like she and I have all the time in the world and in just weeks I will be meeting my daughter for the first time ever! I will hold her and hug her. I never had the chance to do that when she was born. I've only dreamed of it.

Giving up your baby is one of the most painful things in life that someone can experience & if it doesn't feel like it at first, it will one day. I have literally woken up every day since getting K's letter & said out loud Thank You, because I know how blessed I am to have her in my life. I'll always wish I could have been there & I'll always be grateful, for the rest of my life, that I'm here now.

xoxo

The burden of guilt

Guilt is something that I have struggled with since I was a teenager. I carried it with me for SO long and it affected every part of who I was, who I became, how I thought of myself and ultimately, how I thought others perceived me. I'd already condemned myself long before others had the chance to. To me, time doesn't heal all wounds. Especially the wound that us B-Mom's carry. I think our pain is unlike any other. Not to take away the pain that others experience in life, but our wound is so primal. Time (for me) just made my pain more intense. Every year I thought about Her more and more. Every day I thought about my choices, mistakes and those of my parents, and my "what if" thought process was paralyzing. Was paralyzing.

Since K wrote to me, the guilt that was my best friend has almost completely vanished. I don't think my heart will ever be completely whole again, just because I will always miss her (you probably know what I mean), but I will not live with the suffocating guilt that was smothering me for the last 15 years. To know she is happy, safe & loved is something that I will be forever grateful for. The not knowing, combined with my own shame was killing me slowly every single day! I know for a fact that if she hadn't written to me, I'd still be in that same place. That place was so god-awful! I know how blessed I am now. I couldn't see it before & it may be hard for you to see right now too but, (and I used to hate it when people said stuff like this) if I can forgive myself and see the light at the end of the tunnel as sunlight, and not a train coming at me, you can too!! I think I hated hearing people say "...you can too" because I didn't believe it. They didn't understand what I'd been through. But I get it now!! Maybe the last 15 years have been like a training process for me to be able to help others! I've never been as excited about the future as I am right now!! I think I really can use my past as a tool for my future, not as a torture device (on myself!).

Feeling guilty is like being locked in an invisible prison cell. Guilt robs you of the ability to believe you are worthy of success in life, and you are never truly free as long as you carry its burden... Guilt is rooted in fear.

That excerpt is from something I was reading this morning & it just made me realize how truly powerful guilt is. Throw in some shame and you've got a perfect combo for a life unfulfilled and a life of undiscovered potential. Well, guess what? I'm done with prison & I am over the fear that I've allowed to hold me back from this life. I'm breaking free from myself and my past so that I can embrace everything that today holds and everything the future will bring.

xoxo

Am I an asshole?

Okay, I just had a thought. I turned on the TV & there was an infomercial that featured a guy, who's apparently some successful real estate person, talking about how successful & cool he is. I thought for a second, what if that had been K's dad? Theoretically, I mean. What if I would have called him and he had been some outwardly normal person, who had a great job and who wasn't on crack (or meth, sorry) & hadn't talked the entire F'g time we were on the phone? How would that have made me feel vs. how the person I did talk to made me feel? I felt so disappointed after talking to him and a little heartbroken because he's currently a freak but part of my "thought" was this; I think it made me feel a little bit better about myself to know he wasn't some successful, do-gooder, husband, with a wife & kids. I feel like such an asshole for even thinking it! It's just the lingering loser inside me that wants to feel better by comparing myself to him; someone who's obviously not all there. Who's to say I am? But really, he literally talked the entire time!

I really do hope that we can be friends one day or at least have an understanding. I want him to know about K one day, I truly do, so I hope he finds his way. I hope I find my way too. Just because I'm not a tweeker doesn't mean I'm taking advantage all of what life has to offer. I know I have no excuses left personally. If I don't accomplish the things in my life that I've always made excuses not to do, I have no one to blame but myself. The girl I use to be is always trying to tell me I'm not good enough & I'm so sick of all the self-doubt!

So I need to have a plan! I don't think I've ever had a plan and stuck with it. Ever! God that's crazy but there's no time like the present. I refuse to have a 40th birthday (one day) and look back on my 30's regretting as much as I did in my 20's. F THAT!! It's on!!!!

Just to end this eve on a positive note...I don't think I'm an asshole. It was however, an asshole thought, but it has since passed. I want him to be the best person he can be in his life, for her & for himself. That's the truth.

xoxo

Never Give Up

I've been like a sponge lately. I actually hear what people are saying & read their words now. It's like I feel so much more connected and that's exactly what I am...connected. I don't feel like I'm floating in the dark abyss any longer. I've never known anything different, or if I did, it was so long ago that I can't remember. I use to buy books, read about 30 pages or so, and just put them down or become completely disinterested. Now, it's like I need to read these stories of people who have come out of the dark, into the light, or hear their struggle & their triumph. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm becoming one of those people! I am one of those people! Holy crap!

Never Give Up is the book I'm currently reading, by Joyce Meyer. Yes, Joyce Meyer the Evangelist person! :() I know! Normally I shy away (purposely) from those peeps. When I was younger my mom took us to a few big time Evangelist's who "laid their hands on me"...as a 7-8 year old, it's really bizarre, I have to say. So anyway, it completely random that I picked up Ms. Joyce's book, but at the same time I'm so open to other's people's POV's, & I'm so intrigued by their journey that I don't discriminate! Not even in my vocab! And like I said, I'm kinda becoming a little sponge! It's kewl :)

I was at Ralph's (a grocery store here in So. Cal) and they have a really nice little book selection. So after I picked up my veggie's, I was rollin' past the books and stopped to see what they had (actually the 25% off sign caught my eye). I picked up a few books that had interesting titles, one of those being Never Give Up. One of my biggest fears has always been not accomplishing anything. Yes I've had good jobs, yes I have a great hubby and I think I'm a good wifey (although I haaate cleaning) but I mean ME. Me accomplishing something & feeling fulfilled! I've always held myself back from everything. Never have I truly finished or accomplished anything. I always go halfway or on a good day 3/4 of the way and fall short. It's all because of me, I know this. No one else has stopped me from "becoming" someone or doing "something". I'm my own roadblock. My own worst enemy. So Never Give Up just sang to me, because through it ALL, I've always had a little voice in my head telling me, "You will do something great", "You were meant to do something more with this life", "This didn't all happen in vain". It's been a really soft, faint voice, true. But it's been there. All the other shit in my head was just trying to drowned it out!

So I opened this book somewhere in the middle, just to feel it out, and one of the first things I read was that Joyce had a horrible life growing up and an abusive childhood. She never went to college, that wasn't her path, but today she has written over 80 books. 80 Books?!? Just that in and of itself made me want to know more about this woman! And she is an amazing, real, person! The book is filled with common sense stuff (in addition to a lot of scripture references) but when you read it, you just GET IT! When our minds start to play tricks on us and our guilt, or sadness or pain, eat us alive, we have no compass. We're just consumed by the negative & we become the roadblock. As I'm now starting to forgive and love myself, and learn that other people really love me for me, I'm able to heal and accept that I might just have something to really offer! What a revelation! You have something to offer too!

One thing she says in the book that really was like an "ah-ha" moment (I mentioned i love Oprah, right?), was this: When you are not exactly where you want to be, remind yourself that neither are you where you use to be. That hit me right in the face! Bam! SO TRUE!! When I think about where I was mentally & emotionally just 3 months ago & realize how many unbelievable things have happened since Feb. 20th, I am in a complete state of amazement! One day you can wake up and everything as you know it can be different. That Saturday morning when I woke up and started going through the mail, I never would have thought there would be a letter that would change the course of my life. Just like that! So that little, faint voice buried deep inside me, was my true self telling me to never give up, and even though there were soooo many, countless times I felt hopeless, I was holding on for dear life. Phew!

xoxo