Sunday, May 16, 2010

Am I an asshole?

Okay, I just had a thought. I turned on the TV & there was an infomercial that featured a guy, who's apparently some successful real estate person, talking about how successful & cool he is. I thought for a second, what if that had been K's dad? Theoretically, I mean. What if I would have called him and he had been some outwardly normal person, who had a great job and who wasn't on crack (or meth, sorry) & hadn't talked the entire F'g time we were on the phone? How would that have made me feel vs. how the person I did talk to made me feel? I felt so disappointed after talking to him and a little heartbroken because he's currently a freak but part of my "thought" was this; I think it made me feel a little bit better about myself to know he wasn't some successful, do-gooder, husband, with a wife & kids. I feel like such an asshole for even thinking it! It's just the lingering loser inside me that wants to feel better by comparing myself to him; someone who's obviously not all there. Who's to say I am? But really, he literally talked the entire time!

I really do hope that we can be friends one day or at least have an understanding. I want him to know about K one day, I truly do, so I hope he finds his way. I hope I find my way too. Just because I'm not a tweeker doesn't mean I'm taking advantage all of what life has to offer. I know I have no excuses left personally. If I don't accomplish the things in my life that I've always made excuses not to do, I have no one to blame but myself. The girl I use to be is always trying to tell me I'm not good enough & I'm so sick of all the self-doubt!

So I need to have a plan! I don't think I've ever had a plan and stuck with it. Ever! God that's crazy but there's no time like the present. I refuse to have a 40th birthday (one day) and look back on my 30's regretting as much as I did in my 20's. F THAT!! It's on!!!!

Just to end this eve on a positive note...I don't think I'm an asshole. It was however, an asshole thought, but it has since passed. I want him to be the best person he can be in his life, for her & for himself. That's the truth.


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