Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Greatest Gift

"Out of my greatest despair, was to come the greatest gift."

That quote captures everything I could ever say about my journey in this life, thus far. It's in the first paragraph of the book The Secret (which I LOVE). Yes, it's new-agey and even if that's not your thing, I think you will be able to appreciate the point of the book, which is, you have to be thankful for what you have everyday & that what you put out there (your energy, your attitude, your thoughts, your dreams) can & will become your reality, good or bad. I think that holds true no matter what you believe in.

Until recently, I hated myself and was falling deeper into a depression. I tried really hard not to let go completely but my heart was hanging on my a string. Some days were better than others but my mind was my own worst enemy. Not that anyone else would have known. On the outside I was happy-go lucky, friendly, warm, kinda funny :) and didn't seem like a person who had "problems". But I couldn't forgive myself for my past. I just couldn't! I felt like a horrible person who had ruined my life & worst than that, someone else's. In between all the noise in my head, I met this amazing man, who became my husband but even then I didn't think I deserved him. He loved me so much & always knew how to make me laugh. He saved me from myself, but couldn't save me from a broken heart. Only I knew what it would take to start gluing that thing back together. And it was being free from this secret. I knew my secret was strangling me.

My hubby was the only person who knew about the adoption & that was the secret I kept until I met him when I was 24. I had never told a friend because I didn't have any (on purpose). I'd never told my brother because my parents said no one was to know. I never had therapy (until I was  25) because you were weak if you needed a shrink. So my secret became my sickness. Actually, that's part of AA. They say Our secrets make us sick. And nothing could be more true. Every insecurity, every day filled with sadness, every racing heartbeat, every stretch mark I saw on my body, was my secret eating me alive. I never knew that my greatest despair would become the greatest gift. But that truly happened.

In the last 2.5 months, I have told my 2 best friends, my brother, my in-laws, and I have talked to my father & my mother about the "secret". My brother was AMAZING! He told me how proud he was of me and how excited he was for K and I. My friends have been an unbelievable support!! They love me more than ever! Oh & my in-laws. God, they are amazing people. They are by my side 100%! My dad cried and told me how sorry he was for not being there for me and how much he has regretted the decisions that were made back then. I never knew that. He had never spoken to me about it...ever. My mom, unfortunately, didn't have any words of love or healing for me. She blamed me for all of it. Everything. She broke my heart a little more that day when we spoke, but only because I still love her, not because I think she's right in any way. I was a kid. I was lost and alone and confused. She was broken and unable to save me. So every time I think about what I missed out on with not having K, I think of what she and I would have had to both endure if she would have stayed with me. It wouldn't have been the loving, nurturing, healthy family she's had over the last 15 years.

Without a doubt, out of my greatest despair has come the greatest gift. Not just one gift, but many. The day I opened K's letter, just a few months ago, life changed. I received the gift of love. Not just any love, but HER love. I have the gift of peace, knowing she is safe, loved, healthy, and has had an amazing life! I have the gift of her parents accepting me and letting us have a relationship! I gained a new family!! The gift of forgiveness. Everyday, I'm healing a little more & learning to love myself and realize that I'm a good person who deserves great things. The gift of friendship. I can finally talk about my true self to the people who I love & they love me back! The gift of strength. I never realized how strong I was until recently! I always thought of myself as weak. Then there is the gift of truth. Secrets are so damaging!! No matter what they are, they will eat you alive. My secret literally affected everything I felt, everything I thought, and everything I was.

The day I saw her pictures, the day I read her letter, I knew this was something I was not willing to keep to myself. It was too beautiful, too pure and too true. No more secrets. No more fear. Just love <3



  1. This is the third time I've tried to post! So
    I'll switch to Google for now. Just wanted to say I'm very happy for you. That was tough to hear about your mother and I hope she'll come around to K. Good luck!

  2. What a beautiful post! I am also tired of secrets & fear, am trying to live in truth after 30 years of hiding from it.


  3. Jessica-Thank you for your kind words! Mom just can't see past her own fear/shame to realize the beauty of all of this. I hope she can, one day.

    Susie-Thank you!! God, secrets are so terrible!! I'm so happy you are trying to live your truth!! Once you do, you wonder what you were really hiding from for so long!

  4. You are SO right about how secrets have the ability to destroy you. I've been doing a lot of "exploring" into my family's history (really my parents' history) and am learning a lot of things. Sad things, but they help to make sense of the mess that my home became when I was a teenager (nothing dramatic, just unhappy parents really)

    SO all that to say, I realized many years ago how great it is to be OPEN and HONEST about everything in life. And I feel so happy and proud of myself for figuring that out at a young age. I'm so happy for you, as you know :)

    Great post!

  5. Thank you Leigh! I was literally devesated by my "secret". It really was everything my parents projected onto me and I absorbed every ounce of their shame and guilt and made it all my own. I truly thought if people knew they would think I was a horrible person & I was so ashamed! But I was so wrong & thank Gooooood! I've never felt so much support and love in my life!
    Discovering (or exploring) is actually so freeing in a way, right? Like you said, you're starting to be able to make sense of it all & I feel that exact way too! I'm finally able to look at everything and see the truth in it all...the realness, for lack of a better word! Yey Us!! :)

  6. And the truth shall set you free!!