With one letter, my life changed. Before I got K's letter I was existing, but not living. I was loved, but unable to truly accept it. I would smile, but the pain was always smiling back. Then I got a letter. This letter that told me, it's okay, and I love you. It told me that there is no secret & there is no shame. K was safe, healthy, and happy! Happy! She was raised by a wonderful, nurturing family and she thanked me for giving her to them. When I saw her pictures, the light that is inside her was undeniable. Was part of that light me? This is light, not darkness. This is love, not hate. Is this really happening? It was really happening. It is really happening! In that moment, I knew this beautiful person that grew inside me, wasn't meant to be a secret and there was no room for pain and guilt, because she is love. She radiates love. She isn't a passing thought, or a horrible memory. She is my Angel. She saved me.
So as the days passed since receiving her letter, I've made a TON of progress. It's so funny how life plays out sometimes. Months before getting it, I'd been falling into a deeper depression and had been on anti-depressants for probably about 6 years. They really only helped me balance, they definitely weren't healing anything. Just a band-aid on a gunshot wound, but about 6 months prior to getting her letter, I wanted to ween myself off my anti's because I felt like they weren't doing shit! I was becoming so much more depressed than I had ever been before. Not just depressed, I was longing and desperate to heal and find my way out of this dark place. I had no idea how that was going to happen, I just knew my heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest. The anti's at this point felt like they were just numbing me and I had to break free! I knew what my sorrow stemmed from & it wasn't all chemical imbalances & a family history, it was a broken heart and guilt for fuck's sake. As I got on the lowest dose of happy pills I just started to have even more intense feelings about everything, yet felt compelled to do something about it! So I started going back to therapy. I puked everything out in our first session & knew I had to continue this for me. I had to begin to heal or I would be stuck forever. One week later, I got K's letter.
These are the things that have happened since that day, 2.5 months ago:
- K & I email each other almost every night!!
- I told my amazing friend Lisa, of 8 years, who's adopted herself...One of the reasons I felt so scared to tell her. I really thought she would think I was horrible! We're closer than ever now!
- I told my brother! He never knew. My parents made me keep it a secret between the 3 of us. He's been SO supportive and amazing. He is behind me 100%!
- I told my In-Law's! They have embraced me more than they had before and I thought that was a lot! My MIL told everyone at work about my story (she's a talker!) and she's so proud of me!
- I had a conversation w/ my dad for the first time EVER about what happened and told him how I felt so alone and confused. I needed them and I was lost back then. That was one of the most healing conversations I've had.
- My mom and I had a terrible blow-out and it was God awful but made me realize that I am strong and it's not all my fault. She has suffocating guilt and shame that I cannot be responsible for any longer!
- I met K's mom and she is the most beautiful human being I've ever met, inside and out, emotionally and spiritually...amazing. One of the best days of my entire life.
- I have K's dad's # and I'm tyring to build up the courage to talk to him soon, about all of it. He deserves to know I think. I deserve to not have anything be a secret & that was always part of it.K deserves to know that if she wants to ever talk or see her father in the future, that he knows about her already (and there is no secret!). I hate that word now!!!
So by one girl, writing one letter, to one person...I'm seeing lives transformed in front of my eyes. It's like an out of body experience, or as close to one as I can imagine. The residual effects of receiving her letter are unbelievable. They're magical.