Friday, May 21, 2010

Up & Down

This morning (and kinda last night) I was feeling really down. I could feel that weight in my head starting to get heavier and heavier. That little nagging voice that has dictated my life in a negative way, was starting to talk to me again. The difference though, between hearing that voice now vs. say 6 months ago, is that I'm more conscious of it. What I mean is, when that negativity starts to set in telling me that I'm not good enough, or that my dreams are unattainable, or that I'm less than so & so because they've accomplished more than I have, I'm able to now pull myself out of the darkness. It may take a couple of hours or it may only take a split second but by me telling myself out loud to stop it, I'm able to quiet the voice inside my head so that I can hear the voice inside my heart.

In my heart I know I have so much to be thankful for & I know without a doubt that I will fulfill my dreams. I've just been programmed for the last 15 years to think otherwise. I've allowed every negative thing I've ever heard, felt, saw, and experienced to trap me. My ability to now be able to shut that negativity down is because I've realized in the last few months that everything I've ever believed was a lie. I believed I was a loser, that I'd ruined my life, that because I had this secret I didn't deserve anything good (and a ton of additional insecurities) but that is ALL A LIE!! It's a lie! Since having K in my life, I am certain beyond all certainty that I am meant to do & will do all of the things that I've ever dreamed of and maybe even a little more than that.

So at 8:00 this morning I was crying, praying and giving myself a pep talk all at the same time. Now it is 10:47 and I feel like I will have a book deal by year's end! In other words, I went from hopeless to hopeful in less than 3 hours. Not bad for me! Sometimes when I have these mood swings, for lack of a better word, I laugh and think I'm a little skitzo but this is my way of working through my shit. That is quite the accomplishment I'd say! I'm working through it. I'm not just letting my mind take me on a roller coaster of depression and angst. I'm telling that voice that is my other self, the old self, the self that use to be louder than my heart, to fuck off. This Inn is full. There is no room for you here.


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