I've been like a sponge lately. I actually hear what people are saying & read their words now. It's like I feel so much more connected and that's exactly what I am...connected. I don't feel like I'm floating in the dark abyss any longer. I've never known anything different, or if I did, it was so long ago that I can't remember. I use to buy books, read about 30 pages or so, and just put them down or become completely disinterested. Now, it's like I need to read these stories of people who have come out of the dark, into the light, or hear their struggle & their triumph. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm becoming one of those people! I am one of those people! Holy crap!
Never Give Up is the book I'm currently reading, by Joyce Meyer. Yes, Joyce Meyer the Evangelist person! :() I know! Normally I shy away (purposely) from those peeps. When I was younger my mom took us to a few big time Evangelist's who "laid their hands on me"...as a 7-8 year old, it's really bizarre, I have to say. So anyway, it completely random that I picked up Ms. Joyce's book, but at the same time I'm so open to other's people's POV's, & I'm so intrigued by their journey that I don't discriminate! Not even in my vocab! And like I said, I'm kinda becoming a little sponge! It's kewl :)
I was at Ralph's (a grocery store here in So. Cal) and they have a really nice little book selection. So after I picked up my veggie's, I was rollin' past the books and stopped to see what they had (actually the 25% off sign caught my eye). I picked up a few books that had interesting titles, one of those being Never Give Up. One of my biggest fears has always been not accomplishing anything. Yes I've had good jobs, yes I have a great hubby and I think I'm a good wifey (although I haaate cleaning) but I mean ME. Me accomplishing something & feeling fulfilled! I've always held myself back from everything. Never have I truly finished or accomplished anything. I always go halfway or on a good day 3/4 of the way and fall short. It's all because of me, I know this. No one else has stopped me from "becoming" someone or doing "something". I'm my own roadblock. My own worst enemy. So Never Give Up just sang to me, because through it ALL, I've always had a little voice in my head telling me, "You will do something great", "You were meant to do something more with this life", "This didn't all happen in vain". It's been a really soft, faint voice, true. But it's been there. All the other shit in my head was just trying to drowned it out!
So I opened this book somewhere in the middle, just to feel it out, and one of the first things I read was that Joyce had a horrible life growing up and an abusive childhood. She never went to college, that wasn't her path, but today she has written over 80 books. 80 Books?!? Just that in and of itself made me want to know more about this woman! And she is an amazing, real, person! The book is filled with common sense stuff (in addition to a lot of scripture references) but when you read it, you just GET IT! When our minds start to play tricks on us and our guilt, or sadness or pain, eat us alive, we have no compass. We're just consumed by the negative & we become the roadblock. As I'm now starting to forgive and love myself, and learn that other people really love me for me, I'm able to heal and accept that I might just have something to really offer! What a revelation! You have something to offer too!
One thing she says in the book that really was like an "ah-ha" moment (I mentioned i love Oprah, right?), was this: When you are not exactly where you want to be, remind yourself that neither are you where you use to be. That hit me right in the face! Bam! SO TRUE!! When I think about where I was mentally & emotionally just 3 months ago & realize how many unbelievable things have happened since Feb. 20th, I am in a complete state of amazement! One day you can wake up and everything as you know it can be different. That Saturday morning when I woke up and started going through the mail, I never would have thought there would be a letter that would change the course of my life. Just like that! So that little, faint voice buried deep inside me, was my true self telling me to never give up, and even though there were soooo many, countless times I felt hopeless, I was holding on for dear life. Phew!