I can't believe it's only been 3 months since I received my first email from K. I still remember looking at my phone, seeing that I had a new email from someone who's last name I didn't recognize and how I had a delayed reaction to seeing her name. At first I thought, Who? And then in a split second I realized it was K, my daughter & my heart leaped out of my chest!!
I know how lucky I am to have this opportunity. To be able to have the chance to email her whenever I want to; to be able to send her pictures and receive pictures; to be able to tell her how much I love her and miss her, not just wish and hope she will know one day; to know that her mother has accepted me with open arms & has reassured me that I will always be a part of their lives. It is more than I could have ever dreamed of. Thank you GOD!!! I don't know how I survived this long without having her in my life. I can't imagine my life now without her.
No matter how amazing this relationship is or becomes, I'll always miss what I didn't have with her. I don't think that part ever goes away. That part that wishes things could have been different & that I could have raised her & been her Mom. That part that wishes when I look at her pictures as a little girl, that I could have held her & rocked her to sleep and comforted her when she was sad, or heard that little laugh that kids have. Even though I know in my heart and my mind that her life probably wouldn't have been as amazing as it is right now & that back then, as a teenage girl, I probably wouldn't have held the same feelings about doing those things as I do now, as a 30 y/o woman, I think us B-Mom's will always hold on to that wish deep inside our hearts...no matter what.
K is on the swim team at school and they had a banquet dinner the other night. She sent me pictures and she looked so incredibly gorgeous. One picture in particular just really got me though. It was one of her and 4 of her friends, all standing next to their moms, K's included. It's a beautiful picture! I just stared at it and cried. I cried because I was so happy she has become such a beautiful young woman, because her mom is such an amazing woman & I know how much she loves K, because I missed her and my heart longed for her and because I wished that I could have been there, standing there next to her; next to my daughter as her mom.
All B-Mom's know we can't change what happened. We can't change the past or take back the adoption once it's been done. At first it feels like it was the right thing to do and it probably was, especially if you had a family like mine. For me, time didn't make the decisions 15 years ago more bearable. If anything, time made the pain more severe, more real. But the universe has shifted. Now time has become my friend. Now I know K & I will always be in each others lives & I feel like my life is just beginning. I feel like she and I have all the time in the world and in just weeks I will be meeting my daughter for the first time ever! I will hold her and hug her. I never had the chance to do that when she was born. I've only dreamed of it.
Giving up your baby is one of the most painful things in life that someone can experience & if it doesn't feel like it at first, it will one day. I have literally woken up every day since getting K's letter & said out loud Thank You, because I know how blessed I am to have her in my life. I'll always wish I could have been there & I'll always be grateful, for the rest of my life, that I'm here now.