Thursday, May 6, 2010

Holy Crap!

Holy crap just scratches the surface! I have big news! So in addition to all the amazing things that have taken place since Feb. 20th, things I'd only dreamed about, or had nightmare's about, depending on my state of mind, something else has just happened! Another part of this huge chunk of my life is about to hit my right in the face and kind of already has....K's dad!!!!!

Of course I've thought about him over the years. We were so young but we were so connected and in love, as much as a 15 and 16 y/o can be. I think he knew how alone I was and he wanted to save me. Regardless of our co-dependency, when you're that age (or probably any age and co-dependent) you feel like that person is your everything. Have you ever known someone that you know would do anything for you? That was him, to me. But then everything happened so fast. We knew I was pregnant before I moved. I had taken a pregnancy test and it was very positive! It seems like everything from that point on became a clusterfuck of bad choices. Although, the bad choices started long before that day.

Once I found out I was pregnant, we were supposed to go to Planned Parenthood, most likely for an abortion, although I don't recall having a plan, I just remember he was supposed to pick me up. He never did. Something happened and he was late so we couldn't go. Then I was leaving a few days later for California. The days that followed are a complete blur. I remember going to the airport, holding onto him for dear life. I remember lots of tears and hugging all my friends and not wanting to leave them. And then I remember sitting on the plane, in my window seat, crying uncontrollably, alone. That was the last time I saw him. I know we talked a few times once I settled in Cali with the parentals but I honestly, for the life of me, do not remember what I told him about the pregnancy. I have no idea if I lied (which is highly likely), or if I just stopped talking to him, flat out, or what. I do know, that I stopped talking to him long before She came into this world. He has no idea about the adoption. I'm sure over the years he's wondered what really came of it all, what became of me.

And here we are! I was on FB last week and I've of course been thinking about him a loooot since getting K's letter and seeing her gorgeous face. God, she looks SO much like the both of us, it's insane!!! With it being a "secret" for so long, part of my guilt was always him not knowing, you know? But I digress...So I went on FB and couldn't find him, but found who I thought may be his brother, and sent him just a little message; Hi, not sure if this is You, but it's Me, and I hope you're well, blah, blah, blah. Uhm, yes it was him, yes he and his bro are well, AND, exact quote: My brother was so happy to hear you are doing well. He's always talked about his model g/f Jenn....You should really call him sometime. His # is ___!!! Are you serious????

HOLY CRAP is an appropriate title I think. I almost stopped breathing when I read it. One, I found him. Two, he still talks about me???. Three, he obviously wants me to call him? Just like that! I'm dying!!! Dying!! Honestly, this is like the final piece of the secret that has made me sick for so long. He's the last link in a way. He is a huge piece of my puzzle. And he's here. His phone # is just staring me in the face. But I'm scared. Actually scared, excited, nervous, and almost giddy in a way. Is that weird? I think because he's happy to hear from me and wants me to call him, makes the giddiness start brewing, but then I think, this conversation won't be all about reminiscing. Well it will, but you know what I mean.

I guess I've really lived through the hardest part of it all, which would be letting my daughter go, even though I never really have. And the most important part of it all, is that she has had an amazing life, and that's a fact. So this is just a part of the big picture right? It's not the picture. It doesn't make or break anything. Because the one thing that can never break, no matter what, is the love & the bond that K and I have.

But I'm still freaking out. I have to go practice breathing now...


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