Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Unemployed Woman Seeks Big Dreams

Yes, I am currently unemployed. Again! It's been a little over a week since I got laid off from my job which only sucks because I don't have a paycheck coming in, not in any way because I loved it. My hubby (thank God) has a good job & is as solid as he can be in his position, but we're a two income household for sure. So losing this job means I need to find another, relatively soon. First of all, I knew this one was temporary so getting the axe was no shocker & it was, of course, a completely unfulfilling position. I guess a lot of people who go to their ho-hum jobs everyday aren't really fulfilled either, so I'm not unique in that, but I just dream of so much more! Do you ever think, This can't be it! This is not all there is, right?  I do. I know in my heart I'm meant to do something more with my life than puddle jump to the next office job. I think I've always known that but have been too afraid and too consumed by my own fears and self doubt to really do anything about it. I would make myself feel better by saying, Something will happen. Something will fall into your lap, I just know it! God, I'm so full of crap!

I know in reality, I'm the only one who's stopping myself from "becoming" something. What does that really mean anyway? Becoming something. Becoming someone. I mean I've had good jobs. I was an Interior Designer for over 6 years and it was great! But even then I was searching for something else. Since leaving that career, I've been wandering. A wandering, wondering, gypsy of sorts. I've been a nomad on the road of admin & office jobs, with streets littered in scanning, faxing, getting bagels and catching up with the other zombies to talk about, well the other zombies. Completely empty calories, filling the day but leaving me longing for nourishment. I want to nosh on some exciting, inspiring, interesting 8 hour days (or more)!! Perhaps, something topped with passion? That's what I think being something means...To be fulfilled, happy, satisfied. To have passion about something, not just walk through everyday, wishing for something else. Why can't we have what we wish for? Somebody does right? There are people who exist that have accomplished goals & who have made their dreams a reality!! This does happen!! Just look at Diddy :)

I'm just annoyed with myself today because I know I'm capable, I know I have the desire & I know I'm the only one who is standing in my way. So I want to kick my own ass! I'm actually going to take that as a good thing, this annoyance. Something in me needs to change & what could be better to help you change, than starting to embrace who you are. The last few months have proven to me that anything is possible & I have so much more to offer than I ever gave myself credit for. Before, I was so consumed by guilt & my past that I'd stop short on everything I started, or I used that as an excuse because I was afraid that if I did have true success at something, then I'd need to face that past. Bottom line: I HAVE NO MORE EXCUSES LEFT! I really don't.

Oh you're probably wondering what those dreams are. Fine. And as I type this, I will say it outloud so the Universe can hear me & ask for further clarification if need be. Eh-hem: I want to be a Writer. I want to write screenplays, books, articles, and inspire myself and others. I want to live my truth and use my experiences as a tool, not a torture device. And I will always get my own coffee no matter how successful I become.

So that's all for now. I'm hungry.


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