I've been like a sponge lately. I actually hear what people are saying & read their words now. It's like I feel so much more connected and that's exactly what I am...connected. I don't feel like I'm floating in the dark abyss any longer. I've never known anything different, or if I did, it was so long ago that I can't remember. I use to buy books, read about 30 pages or so, and just put them down or become completely disinterested. Now, it's like I need to read these stories of people who have come out of the dark, into the light, or hear their struggle & their triumph. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm becoming one of those people! I am one of those people! Holy crap!
Never Give Up is the book I'm currently reading, by Joyce Meyer. Yes, Joyce Meyer the Evangelist person! :() I know! Normally I shy away (purposely) from those peeps. When I was younger my mom took us to a few big time Evangelist's who "laid their hands on me"...as a 7-8 year old, it's really bizarre, I have to say. So anyway, it completely random that I picked up Ms. Joyce's book, but at the same time I'm so open to other's people's POV's, & I'm so intrigued by their journey that I don't discriminate! Not even in my vocab! And like I said, I'm kinda becoming a little sponge! It's kewl :)
I was at Ralph's (a grocery store here in So. Cal) and they have a really nice little book selection. So after I picked up my veggie's, I was rollin' past the books and stopped to see what they had (actually the 25% off sign caught my eye). I picked up a few books that had interesting titles, one of those being Never Give Up. One of my biggest fears has always been not accomplishing anything. Yes I've had good jobs, yes I have a great hubby and I think I'm a good wifey (although I haaate cleaning) but I mean ME. Me accomplishing something & feeling fulfilled! I've always held myself back from everything. Never have I truly finished or accomplished anything. I always go halfway or on a good day 3/4 of the way and fall short. It's all because of me, I know this. No one else has stopped me from "becoming" someone or doing "something". I'm my own roadblock. My own worst enemy. So Never Give Up just sang to me, because through it ALL, I've always had a little voice in my head telling me, "You will do something great", "You were meant to do something more with this life", "This didn't all happen in vain". It's been a really soft, faint voice, true. But it's been there. All the other shit in my head was just trying to drowned it out!
So I opened this book somewhere in the middle, just to feel it out, and one of the first things I read was that Joyce had a horrible life growing up and an abusive childhood. She never went to college, that wasn't her path, but today she has written over 80 books. 80 Books?!? Just that in and of itself made me want to know more about this woman! And she is an amazing, real, person! The book is filled with common sense stuff (in addition to a lot of scripture references) but when you read it, you just GET IT! When our minds start to play tricks on us and our guilt, or sadness or pain, eat us alive, we have no compass. We're just consumed by the negative & we become the roadblock. As I'm now starting to forgive and love myself, and learn that other people really love me for me, I'm able to heal and accept that I might just have something to really offer! What a revelation! You have something to offer too!
One thing she says in the book that really was like an "ah-ha" moment (I mentioned i love Oprah, right?), was this: When you are not exactly where you want to be, remind yourself that neither are you where you use to be. That hit me right in the face! Bam! SO TRUE!! When I think about where I was mentally & emotionally just 3 months ago & realize how many unbelievable things have happened since Feb. 20th, I am in a complete state of amazement! One day you can wake up and everything as you know it can be different. That Saturday morning when I woke up and started going through the mail, I never would have thought there would be a letter that would change the course of my life. Just like that! So that little, faint voice buried deep inside me, was my true self telling me to never give up, and even though there were soooo many, countless times I felt hopeless, I was holding on for dear life. Phew!
xoxo
Showing posts with label books. Show all posts
Showing posts with label books. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
The Greatest Gift
"Out of my greatest despair, was to come the greatest gift."
That quote captures everything I could ever say about my journey in this life, thus far. It's in the first paragraph of the book The Secret (which I LOVE). Yes, it's new-agey and even if that's not your thing, I think you will be able to appreciate the point of the book, which is, you have to be thankful for what you have everyday & that what you put out there (your energy, your attitude, your thoughts, your dreams) can & will become your reality, good or bad. I think that holds true no matter what you believe in.
Until recently, I hated myself and was falling deeper into a depression. I tried really hard not to let go completely but my heart was hanging on my a string. Some days were better than others but my mind was my own worst enemy. Not that anyone else would have known. On the outside I was happy-go lucky, friendly, warm, kinda funny :) and didn't seem like a person who had "problems". But I couldn't forgive myself for my past. I just couldn't! I felt like a horrible person who had ruined my life & worst than that, someone else's. In between all the noise in my head, I met this amazing man, who became my husband but even then I didn't think I deserved him. He loved me so much & always knew how to make me laugh. He saved me from myself, but couldn't save me from a broken heart. Only I knew what it would take to start gluing that thing back together. And it was being free from this secret. I knew my secret was strangling me.
My hubby was the only person who knew about the adoption & that was the secret I kept until I met him when I was 24. I had never told a friend because I didn't have any (on purpose). I'd never told my brother because my parents said no one was to know. I never had therapy (until I was 25) because you were weak if you needed a shrink. So my secret became my sickness. Actually, that's part of AA. They say Our secrets make us sick. And nothing could be more true. Every insecurity, every day filled with sadness, every racing heartbeat, every stretch mark I saw on my body, was my secret eating me alive. I never knew that my greatest despair would become the greatest gift. But that truly happened.
In the last 2.5 months, I have told my 2 best friends, my brother, my in-laws, and I have talked to my father & my mother about the "secret". My brother was AMAZING! He told me how proud he was of me and how excited he was for K and I. My friends have been an unbelievable support!! They love me more than ever! Oh & my in-laws. God, they are amazing people. They are by my side 100%! My dad cried and told me how sorry he was for not being there for me and how much he has regretted the decisions that were made back then. I never knew that. He had never spoken to me about it...ever. My mom, unfortunately, didn't have any words of love or healing for me. She blamed me for all of it. Everything. She broke my heart a little more that day when we spoke, but only because I still love her, not because I think she's right in any way. I was a kid. I was lost and alone and confused. She was broken and unable to save me. So every time I think about what I missed out on with not having K, I think of what she and I would have had to both endure if she would have stayed with me. It wouldn't have been the loving, nurturing, healthy family she's had over the last 15 years.
Without a doubt, out of my greatest despair has come the greatest gift. Not just one gift, but many. The day I opened K's letter, just a few months ago, life changed. I received the gift of love. Not just any love, but HER love. I have the gift of peace, knowing she is safe, loved, healthy, and has had an amazing life! I have the gift of her parents accepting me and letting us have a relationship! I gained a new family!! The gift of forgiveness. Everyday, I'm healing a little more & learning to love myself and realize that I'm a good person who deserves great things. The gift of friendship. I can finally talk about my true self to the people who I love & they love me back! The gift of strength. I never realized how strong I was until recently! I always thought of myself as weak. Then there is the gift of truth. Secrets are so damaging!! No matter what they are, they will eat you alive. My secret literally affected everything I felt, everything I thought, and everything I was.
The day I saw her pictures, the day I read her letter, I knew this was something I was not willing to keep to myself. It was too beautiful, too pure and too true. No more secrets. No more fear. Just love <3
xoxo
That quote captures everything I could ever say about my journey in this life, thus far. It's in the first paragraph of the book The Secret (which I LOVE). Yes, it's new-agey and even if that's not your thing, I think you will be able to appreciate the point of the book, which is, you have to be thankful for what you have everyday & that what you put out there (your energy, your attitude, your thoughts, your dreams) can & will become your reality, good or bad. I think that holds true no matter what you believe in.
Until recently, I hated myself and was falling deeper into a depression. I tried really hard not to let go completely but my heart was hanging on my a string. Some days were better than others but my mind was my own worst enemy. Not that anyone else would have known. On the outside I was happy-go lucky, friendly, warm, kinda funny :) and didn't seem like a person who had "problems". But I couldn't forgive myself for my past. I just couldn't! I felt like a horrible person who had ruined my life & worst than that, someone else's. In between all the noise in my head, I met this amazing man, who became my husband but even then I didn't think I deserved him. He loved me so much & always knew how to make me laugh. He saved me from myself, but couldn't save me from a broken heart. Only I knew what it would take to start gluing that thing back together. And it was being free from this secret. I knew my secret was strangling me.
My hubby was the only person who knew about the adoption & that was the secret I kept until I met him when I was 24. I had never told a friend because I didn't have any (on purpose). I'd never told my brother because my parents said no one was to know. I never had therapy (until I was 25) because you were weak if you needed a shrink. So my secret became my sickness. Actually, that's part of AA. They say Our secrets make us sick. And nothing could be more true. Every insecurity, every day filled with sadness, every racing heartbeat, every stretch mark I saw on my body, was my secret eating me alive. I never knew that my greatest despair would become the greatest gift. But that truly happened.
In the last 2.5 months, I have told my 2 best friends, my brother, my in-laws, and I have talked to my father & my mother about the "secret". My brother was AMAZING! He told me how proud he was of me and how excited he was for K and I. My friends have been an unbelievable support!! They love me more than ever! Oh & my in-laws. God, they are amazing people. They are by my side 100%! My dad cried and told me how sorry he was for not being there for me and how much he has regretted the decisions that were made back then. I never knew that. He had never spoken to me about it...ever. My mom, unfortunately, didn't have any words of love or healing for me. She blamed me for all of it. Everything. She broke my heart a little more that day when we spoke, but only because I still love her, not because I think she's right in any way. I was a kid. I was lost and alone and confused. She was broken and unable to save me. So every time I think about what I missed out on with not having K, I think of what she and I would have had to both endure if she would have stayed with me. It wouldn't have been the loving, nurturing, healthy family she's had over the last 15 years.
Without a doubt, out of my greatest despair has come the greatest gift. Not just one gift, but many. The day I opened K's letter, just a few months ago, life changed. I received the gift of love. Not just any love, but HER love. I have the gift of peace, knowing she is safe, loved, healthy, and has had an amazing life! I have the gift of her parents accepting me and letting us have a relationship! I gained a new family!! The gift of forgiveness. Everyday, I'm healing a little more & learning to love myself and realize that I'm a good person who deserves great things. The gift of friendship. I can finally talk about my true self to the people who I love & they love me back! The gift of strength. I never realized how strong I was until recently! I always thought of myself as weak. Then there is the gift of truth. Secrets are so damaging!! No matter what they are, they will eat you alive. My secret literally affected everything I felt, everything I thought, and everything I was.
The day I saw her pictures, the day I read her letter, I knew this was something I was not willing to keep to myself. It was too beautiful, too pure and too true. No more secrets. No more fear. Just love <3
xoxo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
