Sunday, July 25, 2010

The First Time...

This post will not in any way express the feelings, the emotions, the surreal-yet pure realness, of what happened on June 25th. It was a Friday & it was the first time I met my daughter. Well, second if you count the fact that she grew inside of me, which I have to say is pretty noteworthy, but did I ever see her? Hold her? No. So for the first time on that Friday I met my daughter. I hugged her, held her hand, we smiled at each other, cried together and told one another we loved each other. My life will never be the same. Thank God!! I was ready for something monumental to happen...and so it did.

Okay, you're going to die when I tell you this! So the plan was to pick her up on Saturday. I would pick her up from their hotel, as they were coming to the So Cal town in which I live for a weekend getaway. Just the 3 of them (mom, dad, & K). We would spend the day together and then I would bring her back to the hotel later that night. It was a plan & that whole week I was nervous and excited and freaking OUT! What would it be like? Will it be awkward? Will she like me? Will I say the right things? Will she understand? What will we do? Will I be able to hold it together? Barely, but I did! That plan changed on Wed when I got a text from K asking if I was available Friday too because they would be coming in early and she wanted to spend both days with me!! Available?? YES!!!!!!! Then I had the idea that since I'd be picking her up Friday and seeing her Saturday too, maybe she could just spend the night and we could have a slumber party! I felt comfortable enough with her mom to at least ask. I sent her mom an email...she said yes!! K texted me freaking out with excitement that she could sleep over!! I picked her up on Friday morning and we had two full days together! 

The first time I saw her was indescribable but I'll try...They were waiting outside by the pool area. As I was walking toward them I could see her profile in the distance and it felt like I was dreaming, like an out of body experience (not that I've ever had one but it's what I think that would feel like). I was floating and I could hear my own heartbeat pounding in my ears. Her mom ran out before I got too close and just hugged me and asked if I was okay and if I was ready to meet her. I think I said, "I can't believe this is happening, but I'm ready. I think I'm ready". As I turned the corner, she stood up and smiled at me. It was the most beautiful smile I've ever seen in my entire life. When we hugged, it felt like I was falling into her and she was falling into me. It was the first time I hugged my daughter. It was the first time I saw her smile with my own eyes; the first time she heard me say I loved her. We couldn't stop hugging and we must have both said how much we missed each other a 100 times. We held hands, took pictures and sat down to chat with her parents. They made it so comfortable, so easy. We talked about the weekend & what we would do. We talked about the fact that they use to come to this area for vacations over the years and wondered if we'd ever crossed each other's paths without knowing it. (I live in the same town where K was born...). I don't know where her parents came from, but if there's such a thing as angels walking this earth, they embody everything that one would be.

About a 1/2 hr later, we were off to spend the next two days together! I think for the first few hours we were both in a state of shock and disbelief. I know I was! We came back to my house to hang out & talk and just get to know one another. I wanted to make her feel as comfortable as possible & I tried to contain my overwhelming emotions. We talked about everything. She told me about her friends and her boyfriend & I told her about my life and most importantly, our story. I told her how it came to be that she was given up for adoption and how much I've loved her, how much I've missed her and how thankful I am that she wrote to me when she did. She told me she always loved me and couldn't imagine me not being a part of her life for things like her prom and graduation & she didn't want me to miss out on those things. When she said those words it felt like my heart was going to burst!! She loves me that much?? She didn't want me to miss out on those things?? Oh my God! I couldn't believe my daughter had thought of me in this way. I think I was just always so consumed with pain, fear, sadness & guilt that I never was able to think that she actually loved me as much as I loved her; that she could miss me or did miss me as much as I missed her. It just took my breath away. I don't think I actually breathed those entire two days.

We had a great weekend together! We went to a film festival that was in town later that day (we both love movies), we went out to sushi, we stayed up till 3:00am watching TV, talking and sitting on the couch holding hands. Just sitting with her, holding hands was so magical. There was this energy that I can't put into words. It was a physical & emotional connection unlike anything I ever have and ever will experience. We stared at each other and smiled & laughed in amazement that we look so much alike. We played with each other's hair. I held her before she fell asleep & we told each other how much we loved one another. I made her breakfast the next morning! I made my daughter breakfast!! I stood there scrambling eggs, staring at her sitting at my dining table and just thought, Is this really happening? Am I dreaming? Is she really here? She was here. I wasn't dreaming...this is my (our) new life & it is more beautiful than anything I could have ever dreamed.

Time flew by and before we knew it we had to meet her parents for dinner and we'd be saying goodbye. I knew I'd be a wreck...and I was. I was okay through dinner, which was great and lighthearted...her parents just made us all feel at ease. But after dinner, as we sat outside Starbucks I felt like I was in a bubble. I couldn't see or hear anyone around me. I was just holding her little hand tightly and she was holding mine. My husband did a great job at entertaining her parents as she and I just kept looking at each other and hugging and crying and was once again, magical. She and I were completely in our own world. It was emotional. It was heart-wrenching. It was beautiful. It was the second time I had to say goodbye, but this time it wasn't forever, it was until next time. Needless to say, after we finally let go and said I love you's, I got in the car and completely broke down but it was the most amazing emotional roller coaster I've ever been on.

And the next time happened to be two weeks later!!!! We had talked about going to Disneyland together one day since I'd never been there before, which if you live in CA and have never been to Disneyland you stand the risk of being stoned to death. It's unheard of! But why would I go to Disneyland?? I always thought, I don't have kids so why would I go to the Happiest Place On Earth? Didn't seem to be a priority on my list but K insisted we go together and I never wanted to go anywhere more! So two weeks ago, I was driving out to her house & we were at Disneyland a couple of hours later. It was the second most amazing day of my life. Just my daughter & Disneyland...together. Her parents welcomed me into their home and had me stay over that night. We were at Disneyland ALL day. From 11am to 12am! In the morning, her mom made us muffins and coffee and we told her all about how much fun we had. I know!! It's truly unbelievable!!! And each time we're together it will be more amazing than the last...I can't wait for the rest of my life. I can honestly say I've never felt like that before.

Like I said, this post doesn't describe in the least what really took place when I met my daughter but I promise you all, when you meet your child, no matter when that happens, the love you will feel and the love they will give, will be unlike anything you have ever imagined. Everything you thought, everything you dreamed of, everything you wanted to say, will come true. I know what has happened to me, to us, isn't something that happens every day. The fact that her parents are so open with me and to me, is not something that happens to most of us Birth Mom's & I will forever be grateful and thankful to these two people who have changed my life forever.

No matter what your situation is like or what it becomes, don't give up on loving your child or thinking they love you. They will know how much you love them when you hold them in your arms for the first time. Write to them, even if you never hear back. Pray to God, to the Universe to protect them and to fill their hearts with the love you have for them. They will feel it. They will know it because you are connected. No matter who's in the way, no matter who feels threatened by that connection, they can't take it away from either of you. It is just a fact that the love you have will prevail! It may not be today or next week, or even next year, but it will be. I wish for all of you that your child's parents will see that there is enough love to go around and the most important person who will benefit from that love is the child. There should be no room for jealousy or fear, because when you strip the negative thoughts and feelings away from the situation that we as humans create, it really is only about the love. K's parents love me for giving them this beautiful child & I love them for giving her this beautiful life. K loves all of us so much and we all love her more than life itself. If I could have a wish come true, it would be that Adoptive Parents and Birth Parents could come together in the way that we have come together, because it's truly the most beautiful thing I've ever witnessed.

I never thought I would be healed of this broken heart or live in light instead of darkness, but it's happening right before my very eyes! I'm learning how to forgive myself and love who I am for the first time. How could I not love myself when she loves me so much? How could I not love myself and look into the eyes of this beautiful person I gave birth to? I'm learning what love truly is and it's taking my breath away.

Until next always.



  1. What an amazing time!!! :)

  2. OH Jen!!!!!So happy for you both.What a miracle!So much future to look forward to and the best of wishes!

  3. This was a joy to read, and I have been wondering what happened. To hear that you got to have a slumber!

    ANd the last paragraph is just wonderful. It brought tears to my eyes to hear you say ... "I'm learning how to forgive myself and love who I am for the first time." It is amazing what that acceptance can do to your heart...I surely hope that there will be many more posts like this in the future! This will be a fantastic new beginning for you, and I am just thrilled that it went so well!!!

  4. Oh man, I'm sitting here crying...I am so, so happy for you. This sounds like every birthmother's dream come true. I hope you two continue to build a new, strong relationship! And I'm so thankful for you for such wonderful a-parents. They sound like remarkable people.

  5. Oh you guys!! I can't tell you how incredible this whole thing is. I still don't think it's totally hit me yet. It still feels like a dream!! If there was ever someone who felt hopeless, it was me...and now I am blessed with more love and more acceptance than I ever knew. Many more posts to come! Thank you all for your kind words!!!

  6. WoW.
    I've had your blog up for hours, reading little by little....i knew it was gonna be
    I don't know what to say...i'm so happy for all u guys, and to sounds like a story, surreal, like a
    I am so so happy for you 2.
    did i say that already??
    I just cannot imagine. I just can't.

  7. Thanks Kristina! It was and is so surreal! I can't believe it! I really can't! I'm so, so thankful that I have her in my life. I'm wishing the same for you babe. It's gonna happen one day, I just know it will.

  8. Thanks Mamma Jamma:::::

    With the way its all started out...its just a clusterf**** ya know....outside of her and me...everything is all negative vibes, it sucks!
    Too add insult to injury....M, i think, is acting just like i did at her she's not this innocent, well-behaved child for her adoptive parents...God...i swear...its my lot in life, at least it feels like it.
    She already told me she's smoking herb and drinks when she gets upset...ugg...she's not even 15 yet Jen.
    And her Mom...she won't have anything to do with me, like i have some kind of plague...
    won't respond to any of the letters i have written to her...
    Sooo...Your dream fulfilled, its like a perfect dream...its soooo sweet and amazing, and while i am of course envious...i am so so so sooooo stoked and truly happy for you to.
    I think it really boils down to her Adoptive Mom and dad....they sound incredible...Give Thanks!!!
    BIG BIG HUgs Sista!!::::::xxxxoooo
    Mama K.

    oh...p.s. - i meant to ask..have u had any other children? xxoo

  9. Hey Mama K~
    M sounds just like me at her age too! We know where that got both of us...good lord!! It absolutely boils down to the parents. And the AP's, they truly hold the key, for right now anyway. I don't know if most people could do what K's parents have done. It's truly incredible. They're not jealous or threatened by me but most people would have those feelings I think. Even her mom's friends have asked her why she's allowing this to happen, and she said because she loves K so much, what right does she have to deny her of loving me? She knows they love each other so much, that our love wouldn't lessen theirs in any way...yep, truly incredible.
    But if M and her A-mom have a strained relationship, I'm sure she feels very threatened by the fact that M wants to be with you or even know you. Or maybe she thinks M couldn't handle a relationship w/ you right now because she is still young...Has her mom expressed anything to you at all?? I'm so sorry she's not responding! Do you and M have any communication (facebook, myspace..?)
    I want to write a book or a manual or something about the way my story has played out and how LOVE can truly change so many lives! That's really what all of this has boiled down to, u know? Every situation is different but K's mom told me that what made her feel even more comfortable with allowing K to contact me was that over the years, I'd called the agency to ask about K and they told her parents & I'd written to them as well. That gave her peace of mind and showed her I really loved K. So even if M's mom doesn't respond, keep writing & checking never know...that next letter you write may just find it's way right into her mom's heart.
    Oh and no, I haven't had any other kids...K's my only. I could've had another but I felt I didn't deserve him/her & the father didn't want me to keep it either...I had an abortion when I was about fuc*!&ing myself up even more! It was a dark time. But I know one thing, I will never compromise myself again for the sake of someone else...never. I can't believe I just typed that so!!! I think I'm officially not ashamed of who I am! PROGRESS!!!
    Love talking to u Mama!