Friday, April 30, 2010

Short version

Okay. How should I put this? There is so much to tell, I don't really know where to begin. But how about a short, condensed version (cuz long posts just blow).

I got pregnant when I was 15. When I was 10th grade I lived at a totally lax and overpriced boarding school with ZERO supervision. I was doing things you probably haven't done in a really long time (me either actually). I got pregnant, by my then boyfriend, who was equally unsupervised. Except my parents lived 3000 miles away from me. When the parentals wanted me to come home after 10th grade I was heartbroken and scared. I was leaving everything I ever knew there, to go back to a strange place I'd never been, with people I didn't know (that would include my parents).

I shut down. I disconnected. I was blank. I hid my pregnancy from my parents. I was scared. Lost. I wanted to die. Instead, I just shut my eyes really tightly and hoped someone would notice me. They didn't. I broke down the morning I went into labor and told my dad I had to go to the hospital. I had my baby within a few hours. At a hospital. In a room. By myself. No support. No love or moments of clarity from them. Just anger & more abandonment. They never saw me; before, during, or after. And I never got to see Her. The only person who came to see me that day was the social worker. Not a psychiatrist or a counselor. The social worker. That social worker just happened to be with the adoption agency, affiliated with the hospital. Interesting? Sure is.

So before I knew what had happened, She was gone. Adopted by a family. A real one. My "family" went back to denial  & never talked about it. Ever. My mom & I cried once together, but no words. No help. Nothing. We told no one. My brother, who was in the military, was to never know. No one. It was my fault and my secret. They thought I was smarter than that. I was damaged goods. So that's what I thought for the next 15 years. You. Are. Damaged (and deserve to be abused, used, depressed, anxious, ashamed, scared, guilty. Nothing less, nothing more). But you know what? Through the pain,  She was always with me. Always.

And here we are. I got a letter almost 2.5 months ago. Life-changing-moment!!! She's 15. She's beautiful. She loves ME!!! I can't believe it!! I have never felt this feeling. It's indescribable. It's amazing. It's unlike any feeling I've ever had in my entire life. If you could take all the beautiful, happy moments in my life and combine them (there are a few scattered about), they might come in a close 2nd behind whatever this is. It takes my breath away. We email each other almost every night. There are pictures and I love yous and I miss yous and a lot of <3<3<3<3<3...It's a dream. A living breathing dream. It's the other half of me.

I never knew people like her parents existed. They have given her their blessing to get to know me & to love me. I'm forever grateful to them. And I can tell her mom that on Sunday, in person. She emailed me and we're meeting!! She wants us to get to know each other before, well, before I meet Her. My daughter. No words I could type, can express this feeling. None.

I  know. This is a long post! And there's more. There's a lot more but you have some major cliff notes. I swear it's a lot for me to take in!! It's unreal! Life-altering! And for the first time, not in the negative sense. My heart feels like it's going to burst.

To be continued when I can catch my breath.


1 comment:

  1. This post was both broke my heart and gave me hope all in one.

    I am sorry for what you went through, but I'm so happy for the joy in your life now! I can't wait to hear about how it all unfolds.